Immeasurable fears....

                                           Journal Entry - January 9, 2004
Ephesians 2:10 - "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." 
     Of all the fears I have (and there are plenty of them!), none compare to the fear of missing out on God's best for me.  That I would put my 'Big Dream' off so long... always waiting for the right time, only to get to the end of my life and realize that I had missed it!  Let it never be!
     Surely this dream of mine was planted in my heart by God himself!  But I wonder... why China?  I've walked through the halls of many orphanages in Russia.  The need there is huge! Thousands of children with no hope of a forever family this side of heaven!  I suppose it was a sweet mercy from the Lord that my dreams were in China.  How else could I have ever come home empty handed???
   A close friend and I have been struggling with the idea of "dreams" for 2 years now.  After all, I am a dreamer!  I always have been!  But I've always been embarrassed to talk about my dreams with anyone by my close friends because they all seem to be so much about me... not so much about God and His desire to use me to make a difference.  My dreams would make a difference in my life, but few others!  I even realized a few of those dreams, but was disappointed to find that they left me empty... They didn't satisfy!  The past few months have brought a season of incredible new peace to my life.  I would stop pursuing my dreams and just pursue Him!  What inexpressible joy I have found there!  I suppose that is why I can say with complete honesty that I am happier than I have ever been!  How I have found my own words to groups of women to be true:  God + Nothing = Everything!
     Now the white feather!  Now this childhood, Dream Giver dream of mine!  I have suddenly realized that this dream, unlike so many of my others, isn't about me.  It is, instead, about how God can use me to meet a big need in the world and to be a part of His purpose and plan!  How I don't want to miss out on that!  I just can't walk away!  What a privilege that He would include me in His plan!  And what an irony of ironies -- that He would ask me to take an abandoned child as my own, when I abandoned my own unborn child!  What a beautiful redemption story He is weaving!  I am only beginning to see that our greatest ministry flows from our greatest failure!  What kind of merciful, gracious God we serve!!!
     Words from page 18 of "The Dream Giver" strike me as such a simple truth... "Could it be that maybe the Dream Giver gave every Nobody a Dream, but only some embraced their dream?  And even fewer pursued them?"
     Not this dreamer!!!  I will embrace and pursue my dream!  I refuse to miss God's best for me by staying in the land of comfort and 'familiar'.  I have just begun my own journey, but already I can see myself in Ordinary so clearly.  Moments when I question God's wisdom in giving ME this dream; moments when "I think I want to go back home" or that "I'm not the right Nobody to go after such a big Dream".  But, like Ordinary, in those moments, I hear the gentle voice of my Dream Giver... "yes, you are... You can... I made you to do this!"
     Whatever the cost, whatever the sacrifice... My Dream is waiting for me in the Land of Promise!  I've packed my white feather for the journey... I'm coming Lord!!!

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