The one I planned is, in fact, unrecognizable from the one I am now living! As I look back over the journey of these past several years, I am struck by how difficult they have been; how laced with pain they have been; and yet they are overwhelmingly filled with blessings I could not have known any other way... That makes them "blessings in disguise", because each and every one have come as a result of the painful road chosen for me, in spite of my own best laid plans!
I'm pretty convinced that if we were allowed to plan our lives from start to finish, there simply
would be no days of difficulty or heartache written in, nor would we have added any days, months, or years of waiting… Nope!
I’d like my life, as planned, right on time…. Sooner, rather than
later! I wouldn’t have chosen sickness
of any kind. Certainly not the kind that
could take the life of one of my children!
None of the stuff that means multiple trips to the doctor or the
hospital and days and weeks separated from my family would have been included
either! Let that be for someone else… I
hate hospitals! For that matter, I hate
waiting! I hate lonely and isolated. My life would have none of that! I hate broken relationships and disappointment. Erase both please!
Forbidden from my plans would
be pain- period! Pain is to be avoided
at all costs! Protect yourself, and put
up large shields against anything that looks remotely like pain. Take no risks with your heart. That is the only sure way to guard it…
But in surveying my life I
suddenly realized that if I could erase all those things which I had not
personally planned, many of the people I treasure the most would not be a part
of it!
Look at our precious Rachel~ If God was as committed to a pain-free life for me as I have always been, she wouldn't be here. I'm so glad she is!
For that matter--- neither
would Ellie! She became a part of our family with much pain and tears... hers and mine! Our house is filled to overflowing with JOY because she's here!!!
Or my goof-ball friend, Sonia, who has made this difficult journey so much fun, I forgot it was difficult!
Or Emily~ my "little sister" who's taught me more than any young sister could and has inspired me to dig in deeper when pain rushes in. Now we're digging in deeper together!!!
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| Here's Emily with her Shanghai Princess- Mighty Mac and her heart girl- Lily |
And if I weren't convinced by now that God's plans are far better than my own-- even if they do, in fact, include pain--I certainly wouldn’t be
hopping on a plane in a little over a month to bring little Abby home!
I'm finally figuring out that life isn’t really lived
except through the unintended pain and its' beautiful rewards! Yes… real living includes the pain; the
hardships; the waiting; the broken; the loneliness; and the disappointing! And it seems the month of Sept. serves as the perfect reminder of these things...
The past month has been
filled with milestones that make me more aware than ever that this is not the
life I planned. Sept, 8, 2004 was Kate’s
1st birthday, spent alone in an orphanage without a mommy and daddy.
But it was also the day we received her
referral and the very last birthday she would ever spend alone. So it’s a day we love to celebrate as our Kate's Birthday and the very first day we ever saw her precious face and knew that she was the child God had chosen to be OURS! But it was only possible because of the heartache and loss
that preceded it. On Sept. 8th
every year, I am reminded of that.
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| This is the first picture we ever saw of Kate on Referral Day- Sept 8, 2004 |
Sept 8th held even
greater significance this year, because that day marked 18 months of Rachel’s
wait on the heart transplant list. It is
hard to celebrate on a day that marks so many days of waiting and wondering
what lies ahead. But we would have to be
blind to not see that this day marks a miracle too! Rachel’s health is still critical, BUT she is
considered “stable”! And for every
moment, of every hour, of every day, of every month, and now every year…. we
are struck by the way she lives life so fully!!!
It would not be honest of me
to lead you to believe that this has been anything but the most difficult wait
of my life-time! Reminders of the wait
are everywhere… from the cell phone I have begun to loathe, because I’m so sick
of it’s hold over me and it’s refusal to ring with the call I’m waiting for; to
that stupid suitcase, made ready to leave for the hospital the moment that cell
phone does finally ring with good news, that has been packed and repacked so
many times, I honestly don’t know what’s in there anymore!!! But I wouldn’t be honest either if I failed to
mention how those 18 months have blessed us with a new perspective on living that I’m
certain we would have gained no other way!
And what would this journey
be, if not the most incredible opportunity to build relationships with some of God’s
most humble servants, most of whom we would not have met were it not for the
life we did NOT plan! Rachel’s
cardiologist is one of those incredible servants! Dr Fricker may be a doctor to many, but he is
family to us!!!! The other day Rachel
walked into the family room and I could hear the voice of Dr Fricker coming
from the ITouch in her hand! They were
having a Facetime conversation and she brought her ITouch over so that we could
say “Hi"! OK… that’s a first! We told Rachel that she couldn’t just Facetime with Dr
Fricker during the day like that… he had very important things to do and very
sick patients to attend to. She hurried
to say goodbye and whispered “I love you” into the ITouch before she hung
up! Make no mistake! Dr Fricker is Rachel’s grandfather in every
single way that matters!!! How else
could we have known such a blessing? Only a broken heart, and our need for a great cardiologist, made this lifetime relationship we treasure possible!
At our most recent
appointment in Gainesville, Dr Fricker took us to our favorite restaurant for
lunch… Afterward, when it was time to
say goodbye, he picked Rachel up for a hug and to tell her that he would call
her if he found the perfect heart we’ve all been waiting for! I could hear him as he instructed her to look
at him and listen… she must eat more, he told her!!! I was frozen in place as I witnessed this
beautiful exchange between a little girl and her Cardiologist/Grandfather. My etiquette (what little I have anyway!) said to tell her to immediately
stop running her fingers through his beard, but I couldn’t make the words come
out of my mouth, in light of the beautiful moment they were sharing! Have I told you how grateful we are for this dear man of God, whose had a "Hope for Rachel" bracelet on his wrist for over a year now? You can't imagine!
Most beautifully, the wait
has meant time for Rachel to get to know Jesus.
It was a name she had never even heard before 2 years ago when we found
a Chinese Christian to share the Gospel with her before even leaving
China. Now, it seems, she has a deeper
understanding of God’s ways than most adults I know. She has the most beautiful eternal
perspective I’ve ever seen, and makes me desire to live that way too! She taught us that the very things we’ve
always avoided are the avenues through which God reveals Himself most clearly!
On Sept. 13th , we
celebrated Rachel’s 2nd 'Gotcha Day' Anniversary. I couldn’t help but take a trip down memory
lane, the way I always do when celebrating life’s most treasured moments! She was 7 years old then… but so much more like a 4-5 year old in every
way. She had never been outside the
walls of that orphanage in her memory, and she had so much to learn about the
world she had only dreamed of being a part of!
And learn she has!!!! Her English
is near perfect. And after only 6 weeks
in kindergarten, 5 months in 2nd grade, and 9 months in 3rd
grade, she is literally almost on level with her English-speaking peers! And the child whom had never even had a bath
in the first 7 years of her life, now has a ‘Make A Wish’ Swim Spa as her personal
bathtub; can cross the deep end of the pool like a seasoned swimmer; and has
even mastered the ocean waves on a boogie board!
She’s ridden tubes down waterslides and even tried a kid’s
rollercoaster. We walked past the signs that
said people with heart conditions shouldn’t ride, and we ignored them! ...Because Rachel is trying to live life to it’s very
fullest while she waits… and if she’s taught us anything, it’s that you don’t
WAIT to live!!!!
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| Yes, she did!!! And she LOVED it!!! |
Celebrating a "Gotcha Day" with a
child you met at the age of 7- who longed for family and home with every fiber
of her being- is a lot different than commemorating the day with a child who
can’t remember it! Now that Rachel can
communicate all of her thoughts and feelings of that day, I see the celebration
with fresh eyes. But it was made
possible only because of the deep pain and loss that proceeded it… In fact, it is the very pain that makes us
acutely aware of the blessings brought through family and home and the precious
heart of gratefulness that indwells our precious girl for so much of what we
take for granted! The unexpected
blessings overwhelm me on those days!!!!
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| Just in case you can't read Rachel's article above about an important event in her life in her own words: "The cool thing is when I got adopted. I was so excited that I got adopted in September and in China. God moved my Mom's heart to adopt me. Because I never had a mom or dad or sister or brother in my whole life this was the best thing that ever happened to me. The end." And don't miss the beautiful ad below her story for her favorite movie- The Jeus Moive (Translated- The Jesus Movie) |
The journey with all of our
adopted treasures has brought with it so many such blessings… But each one, blessings disguised in pain! And ones I would likely have missed since this is NOT the life I planned....
This September brought with it many of our final adoption approvals. That means that in about 6 weeks, I will
board a plane for China to bring Abby home.
I don’t have a clue what God has in mind through adding her and that
extra-special chromosome to our family.
If I were gut level honest, I’d willingly admit that I am afraid… This
journey was NEVER a part of my plan! It
is fraught with far too many unknowns and hardships to have been included from
the beginning. But I know now… that it
has been a part of God’s plans all along!
I don’t know why that strikes Doug and I “funny”, but it does! Sometimes we look at each other, as we
consider what lies ahead, and simply laugh at the “absurdity” of it all! We know little about the imminent future, or
the long-term one! What we DO know is
that we are bringing home a child with a huge set of medical and cognitive
challenges that are unfamiliar. We DO
know that God is calling us to adjust our plans to make room for His. We DO know that this decision is likely a
“life-time” one, and sometimes the gravity of that feels overwhelming! But we also know much about God’s ways,
because we’ve had a front row seat on more than a few journeys we never
intended to take and we’re convinced that whatever hardships the days ahead
hold, the blessings that come along with them will make it worth it all!!!
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| I know it's blurry... but priceless anyway! This is the first time we met Abby "in person" via Skype! |
The past several years have
held more pain than I ever imagined one life could hold. Every fiber of my being pushed against the
pain, trying to hold it at bay. But, as
God designed it, my flesh finally gave way and the doors of my heart were
opened for Him to come in; pick up the pieces; and fill in the gaps the pain
left behind with more of Himself. The
pain remained and does to this day… but His presence is stronger than I’ve ever
known it before and joy has bubbled to the top, in spite of the pain below. At times I am tempted to envy the lives of
others that do not know this pain that God’s providence allowed for me… but
then I am reminded of the immeasurable blessings that came with the pain and I
wonder at how much they should envy ME!
I’ve been thinking a lot
about heaven lately… longing for
it actually! And as I write tonight, I realize
that even that longing would not exist without the pain of this world. When our lives lead us down roads we never
planned to travel on… very difficult ones… it causes us to yearn for something
more. Something better. Far better!
That something is Heaven itself!
The perfect life God’s had planned for me all along… where He promises
there will be no more crying, and no more of the pain I’ve worked so hard to
avoid!
This is NOT the life I
planned… Thank you, Lord, that the one You planned is so much better!!!!
