…will make you stronger!”
At least that’s what they
say! And while this summer held days
that felt as if they might just kill me, they didn’t! Which leads me to the conclusion my
grandmother came to decades before I did!
“A little HARD work never killed anyone!” For the sake of this long, overdue blog, I
will combine the two into something like this~ “Circumstances that seem so HARD you think
you won’t survive, will not kill
you… but they will make you
stronger!”
Trouble is, I think I’m
actually writing on this subject too early, as the “stronger” part has yet to
come! Truth be known, I’m
exhausted. Weary might even be a better
description of my present state. So
weary that my husband put me in a car this afternoon and sent me away to have a
few days ALONE! “Rest”, he said… “Enjoy
yourself!” Believe it or not- I resisted
at his first offer to get away. There’s just
too much to be done! (Which is exactly why I’m weary!) I don’t have a spare minute to slip away from
home by myself! But after some arm
twisting- I did it!!! I am typing now
from an undisclosed location. But my location doesn’t really matter. What
matters is that I am here ALONE!
Unlike my precious husband of
30 years, who loves a crowd and likes to be the last person to leave the
church’s parking lot on Sunday morning, I prefer time alone! That’s when I can think clearly, spend time
with the Lord in my thoughts and hear from Him.
I am recharged by those moments spent alone, and this particular summer
such moments were very few and far between.
But those long, long days of summer that left me so tired and weary, DIDN’T kill me!!!! And now that they are
finally drawing to a close and I have slipped away to take a breath, I can
begin to see the strength God intends to build in me through them.
Hudson Taylor's book
entitled “It Is Not Death to Die” is a sweet reminder that a season that calls
me to a deeper and deeper death to self, will actually lead to a more abundant
life, filled with joy, than an expected shortcut to the grave. If the aim of this particular season was to
strip me of self and teach me a bit of sacrifice in service to others, it hit
the target dead on! And while I questioned it a time or two- it
did NOT kill me! Not even close!
Sadly, I’ll have to admit
that I didn’t learn this soon enough in my parenting, and my Phase 2 children
are bearing the brunt of my late start!
At the ripe old age of 50- I think I might have finally caught on to
something and I want to waste no time in showing my kids the real pathway to joy!
The one they will never find in front of
a computer screen or with an ITouch in their hands! In
fact, I’ve decided that bringing home a child with a special need that requires
much attention from everyone in the home (in this case Abby’s Down Syndrome)
has not ruined the lives of my other children the way well-meaning observers
warned it could. Instead, it is teaching
each of us that a life of service to others is the best life of all! Most amazing is that I have never heard a
single complaint from any of them when called to serve Abby in some way or the
other. How is this even possible, I
wonder… I suppose it’s because the
instant rewards through simply being with Abby are enough to remind us all that
a life of service is a shortcut to a life of joy.
I can’t imagine what my life
looks like from the outside looking in these days. I’m convinced that I should have lost my mind
long ago- so it’s no wonder everyone else thinks so too! Questions regarding our decision to adopt
another child with DS are predictable and I have come to expect them. Just this week, after spending a few hours
with our crazy family, a friend looked at me in disbelief and asked, “…and you really want to adopt another
one? Wow!” Our lives are complicated and do not include
a leisurely swim or time to lounge next to the pool. And while this is HARD- I’ve come to realize
that the hardest work is in the molding of my own heart to do exactly what God
has called me to do, instead of pining away for the life He has called others
to… My nest is not empty like the
majority of my friends. God’s plan for
my life appears to not include an empty nest at all! I can either adjust my heart and attitude to
this or I can grow bitter and resentful as I watch my friends relax on enviable
vacations, while I find myself consumed in endless days of HARD. I joke with friends in an attempt to explain
our decision to adopt child #8 by saying- “Once you’re in over your head, what
difference does another foot or two under make?” And while I’m not stupid enough to think
there is not more HARD work involved in caring for another child with
significant needs, I have come to realize that the strength to give more of
myself is available through the very One that calls me, and is best
accomplished when I embrace that call instead of resisting it and wishing for
the life and freedom of others.
My heart is the issue… not my
ability to do HARD!
The truth is that there is no
limit to what any of us can do…. We limit ourselves by thinking that the HARD should
be left for someone else more qualified.
Yet the qualifications are few and only include a heart that is willing!
In looking back over my life,
I realize that I bought into the mindset early that my sole aim was to work
myself out of a job! The goal of life
was freedom! Freedom from endless
work. Freedom from obligation and
HARD! You know… work hard and then
retire!!! It started the day I gave
birth to my first born, I guess… Then
I’d hit the restart button with each addition to the family. 18 more years… then freedom! I clearly remember the internal struggle I
had in choosing to start this journey called adoption. I couldn’t stop thinking in terms of car
seats and highchairs! Those signified
another looooong commitment and prolonged years of HARD work. I obviously chose to take the journey anyway
and now, 10 years later, I am starting again for the fifth time!!! How comical to think now, about the time
right after I got home with my first from China and started calculating the
number of years remaining in my 24/7 mothering “term”! God must have chuckled from heaven. Little did I know that two little girls with
an extra chromosome each would be in my future.
And while that chromosome makes them some of God’s most precious
creations, it also likely means that there is no term limit for me as their
mother!
Gone are the dreams of
freedom from HARD work! Reality has
awakened me as I have drawn nearer to God.
The freedom I was striving toward was NEVER His plan. I am His bondservant! I have chosen to dedicate the rest of my life
in service to my King! Freedom from HARD
is not part of the deal! My sole
requirement is to do what my Master says, when He says to do it! The resources (including my aging energy!)
will come from Him alone!
My aging parents have just
moved into an addition on our home. My
mom cares for my ailing father 24/7. He
had a massive stroke just months after his retirement. I watch as my mom works tirelessly and I wish
for her those lost days of retirement and freedom. Then I remind myself that retiring from
servant-hood was not a part of her life plan either. I watched years ago as she served three of my
grandparents until their death and now, is left with the sole care of her
husband. People ask constantly how she
does what she does so gracefully. Some
say that they could “never do that”, as if she has a special ability they don’t
personally possess. And while I would
agree that my mom is a beautiful servant and a faithful spouse, she would be
quick to tell you that she possesses nothing special that any of us do not! God chose this path for her. She is simply doing what He has asked of her
and is only able to do it with the strength He provides!
I suppose that over the past
several years I’ve heard that same statement directed at me plenty of times now
too. It’s one thing to look at someone
who has given birth to a child with Down Syndrome and marvel at their ability
to “handle it”, (as if they had a choice), or at someone like my mom who is
simply making good on the vows she spoke 52 years ago. But to think that someone would actually
choose such a path for themselves is understandably difficult! But be sure of this… This is not
the path I would have chosen for myself either!
My desire for relaxation and freedom didn’t suddenly slip away from my
selfish flesh any more than it has from yours.
God chose this path for me and I am bound by similar vows I made to Him as
a young girl when He saved me! Mary’s
words echo in my ears as she heard she was to bear not only God’s Son, but the
shame of the world as well…. “I am your
humble servant. Let it be done to me as
you have said.”
Because I know the Lord loves
me and is using the circumstances of my life for my ultimate good, I am not
afraid of HARD anymore! HARD serves to
make me stronger. It tests my commitment
and strengthens my love. I am resolved
to not avoid HARD, because in looking back I have discovered that if God
withheld the tasks many would consider HARD from my calling, I would have missed
some of the greatest blessings of my life!
Like this one~
YES! She's gonna eat every single one of those jalopenos!!!! Tough as nails! |
See? |
For that matter, I suppose we
should throw these two in as well, since they lengthened my mothering “term”
substantially!
Oh… and this one too, since
avoiding anything too difficult would have eliminated him a long time ago! ;-)
I can’t forget this angel
either, even though she’s still waiting for us in China…
Rebekah is only 5 years older than my first grandson! How's that for lengthening my days of 24/7? ;-) |
Last, but not least… If I had avoided HARD, no one would feel
sorry for me and send me away to a beautiful retreat on the ocean where I’d
find treasures like this one!