When I am afraid, I will trust in You...

Rachel is one of the bravest little girls I've ever met!  I've faced a few fears in my life, but they pale in comparison to the mountains of fear this 7 year old girl has been forced to face in her little life time.  She walked into a room this week with so much courage and met a crazy, loud, very "different" looking, smelling, talking, group of people (that would be us!) and agreed to go alone to a hotel room and entrust her entire future into their hands.  Not that she had great options or anything... But I would have personally wanted to run as far away as I could, had I been faced with such unknowns.  She was asked to leave every human being she's ever known, the only "home" she's ever known,... learn a new language, learn how to act in a family, learn how to obey a very strange "Mama" and "Baba" and somehow do it all with a smile on your face.  And she did!!!  Wow!  That's more fear than most folks will face head on in a lifetime!  And sadly... Rachel had to face those fears completely alone...  This she has done!...and without shedding a single tear!  

As beautifully as Rachel has done this week, I still notice a reluctance to depend on me as a "real" Mommy.  She simply doesn't know how.  It boggles my mind to think that she was never snuggled at night before going to sleep, or relaxed her body against a Mommy's chest to calm her fears away... But the sad truth is that all of the things our birth children take completely for granted, this little girl is experiencing for the first time at the age of 7.  


But through God's mercy and grace upon this precious little one, she doesn't have to face her fears alone anymore.  She has two people in her life now that want nothing more than to walk beside her and help her to carry her burdens!  So today, when we arrived at the medical clinic for her adoption "check-up" (which would include a TB skin test prick) she had a choice to make... would she brave this alone, the way she always has,... or would she be willing to allow us to "carry her" there?  


The look on her face could not have been more serious as we waited in the hallway for our turn.  I knew just how serious when I offered her candy and though she didn't refuse it... she kept it wrapped and clutched tightly in her little hand.  She seemed to hold it together for the heart check, the ENT checks and the eye exam... but when it was time for the TB stick, she decided that she was "done"!  Rachel took me by the hand and pulled me toward the exit, pleading with her sad eyes... begging me to take her away from her fears. Communication has been rough, but at that moment, the language barrier had melted away.  No words were needed!  She wanted to run away ~ and wanted me to run with her!


I had to physically pick her up and carry her in to the room where they were waiting to do the TB stick on her arm.  But for the very first time, her body was not stiff... Instead, it had wrapped it's skinny little self around me and was hanging on for dear life.  When I pulled her away to look her in the eyes and reassure her... I saw the tears welling up and then overflowing onto her cheeks.  Her bottom lip quivered as she wept silently.  At that moment, I needed every bit of strength I could muster to not break into full out wailing myself!  A little prick in the arm was "peanuts" compared to the mountains she'd faced in the past few days alone!... not to mention the mountains that still lie ahead for her!  But for the first time in her life, she had a Mommy there to hold her up... to comfort her... and to assure her that all would be OK. It was a huge victory for us as mother and daughter and I relished the moments even after the test was over to rock her and whisper tenderly in her ears.  


It breaks my heart to see her fears on display and to realize how reluctant she is to turn to anyone for the help she so desperately needs.  But Rachel is not the only one who is afraid.  I, too, am afraid!  Scared. out. of. my. mind.  For reasons too many to even list here.  And so often I, like Rachel, am so reluctant to admit that I actually need help... that I can't do life on my own... I can see now that God uses those times of fear to draw me back into His arms and allow Him to be the Father I need so much.  I don't have to be brave and strong!  He will do that for me!


In some strange, beautiful way God used Rachel's fears today to knit her heart to mine and mine to hers.  Lord, take my fears today too... use them to knit me closer to you!




Nothing that a bowl of noodles won't fix!...



 ..or an afternoon swim!...


..or a princess fingernail painting party!...



"Fear not, for I am with you!  
I will never leave you, nor forsake you!"

2 comments:

  1. :'D
    ... can't wait to see how she handles Russ and his antics lol that will test her fear factor for sure!! miss you guys! hurry home :)

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  2. I remember seeing her pic on Lori's blog, just something sparkled about her. You are right, she is a brave girl. If this is the first time you adopted an older child, you are on an amazing journey! It is scary and a leap of faith but your life will be so rich and full of love. Congratulations! I'm so happy she found her family!

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