My "real" life seems more like a Merry-Go-Round than a journey most of the time! I go around and around, then fall off in the same place again, and must "relearn" lessons I'm certain I should have learned by now. This was especially true in those early years of mothering! What a disappointment! I thought that by the time I reached motherhood, I'd have a few more things figured out! I had all of these great expectations, and felt constantly disappointed in myself! Somewhere in my "fairy-tale" world was the perfect mom-- that had perfect children-- and the perfect husband-- (you get the picture). My first born was as strong-willed as God could have possibly made him. He reminded me on a daily basis that Cinderella didn't live at our house... And to my dismay, neither did Prince Charming! Motherhood was a rude awakening to the reality that life was not all about me!
This new reality, though healthy and more "normal" than I would have liked, left me feeling somehow forgotten... as if the world had gone on without me. I didn't like the "new" me as well... I just couldn't seem to hold it all together the way I had done so brilliantly growing up... I was no longer "pleased" with me. Certainly the Lord wasn't either! I had been convinced since I was a little girl that love and acceptance was based upon who I was - how perfect I could be... I thought that God would love me more if I could do enough good things; be a good mom; teach my children to behave; be a good wife; go to church; pray more; read my Bible.... (I think you know where I'm going with this!) I even hung around "perfect" people -- even though I had absolutely nothing in common with them! I thought that maybe they could "rub off" on me somehow. I was a miserable failure at perfection and that made me... well... miserable!!!