God is for us!

"Real freedom is being free of fear!" 


Those who know me well would probably describe me as "real".  I hope so!  I've never been good at pretending.  Nor have I ever been accused of holding back personal opinions, of which there are many! If I am thinking something, it will likely come out of my mouth, long before I've had time to think about  the wisdom in holding my tongue or keeping said opinions to myself!  The old saying- "What you see is what you get" must have been coined by someone just after meeting me!  :-)

So on that note, I'll just be honest!...   This has likely been the hardest year of my life.  I'd like to believe that another year like this one will never darken my horizon again, but I'm learning with age that life is lived in seasons.... ever changing, but predictable.  It would be foolish of me to sell my "winter clothes", thinking I won't face another blustery, cold season like this one again.  But I'll admit that I am enjoying the spring flowers blooming in my heart these days and this season seems especially wonderful after the suffering of such a long winter!  I feel such unexplainable joy!  And I feel a sense of freedom that I have never known before!  How, I've wondered, is that possible when the past year has included more tears than all of the previous years put together; when even today the ground beneath us is beginning to quake; and the future with Rachel holds absolutely no guarantees of a happy ending?

In reading this, you'd likely never guess that as I type, I have my cell phone nearby... For almost 5 months now, it has never left my side!  I'm waiting for a phone call to finally bring news that a heart has been donated that will ultimately save the life of my precious daughter Rachel.  Because my days are filled with her sweet, happy spirit, it is easy for me to be lulled into believing that she is perfectly "fine"... not living on borrowed time- each day- each breath a miracle!  But lest you think I am living with my head stuck firmly in the sand, I can assure you that I have never been more keenly aware of how incredibly fragile life is... for Rachel, of course, but for each and every one of us too!  The sweet joy I'm feeling these days can only be explained by the overwhelming grace I have found in my relationship with Christ and the sweet realization that with Him, I have nothing to fear!  "If God is for us, who can be against us?"  How sweet to know that God is for us!

In taking a deep look inside my own heart, I am discovering that the benefits of such a long winter season of the soul is a wonderful new freedom from fear that I have not known before.  I didn't even know that I was afraid!  But a careful, introspective inventory revealed some life-long fears that it was high time I stood "toe to toe" with.  There are simply some things in my life that I hold onto with a tight grip.  My kids would top the list... just below them is my husband... then the secure home we've built, filled with treasures I've accumulated over the years.  God seems to be in the business of prying my fingers, one by one, off of those special treasures these days!

God has allowed me to realize some of my deepest fears over the past year.  In some ways, their realization was even worse than I expected.  And during the darkest days, if I would have had the power to do something to change my circumstances, you can bet I would have!!!   But God was doing a work in my heart that would likely not have occurred any other way.  Now that the tears have dried, and my vision is clearer, I can see how faithfully the Lord was teaching me about Himself.  I had spent many years speaking around the country about the sufficiency of Christ.  My mantra became "God + Nothing = Everything".  Tonight as I type this post, I am more fully convinced of that truth than ever before.  And suddenly I realize that I have nothing to fear anymore.  I am free!  God has proven to be the faithful God I've always heard about, but now truly KNOW!  "If God is for us, who can be against us?"  If I've learned anything through facing my fears, it is this... God is for us!!!

A cold wind swept through our home again last week.  Doug was notified that the church where he has been working part time for the past year has decided to "let him go".  We have just months to find another job to provide 65% of our income and the medical insurance that has covered Rachel's care since coming home from China last September.  And yet, I am not afraid!  I refuse to worry about something so much bigger than I can handle!  I will choose to trust God instead.  "But if God is for us, who can be against us?"  If I've learned anything through the losses of this year, it is this... God is for us!

Rachel did not come to us with any promises attached.  We have been asked more times than I can count if we "knew what we were getting into" with Rachel's adoption.  Yes... we knew!  But with God's help we stared fear in the face and did it anyway!  The sheer joy and love for life she has brought into our home in spite of her horrendous beginnings are nothing short of miraculous!  Fear could have stolen this precious treasure without us even knowing what we'd missed!  And even today, my fears could literally taunt me, if I let them!  Will a heart arrive in time or will you have to face the loss of another child?  But I refuse to worry about something so much bigger than I can handle!  I will choose to trust God instead.  "But if God is for us, who can be against us?"  If I've learned anything through the adoption of Rachel, it is this... God is for us!

I am certain about one thing!  Nothing in life is certain!  But I refuse to worry about things I can certainly not handle!  I will choose to trust God instead.  "If God is for us, who can be against us?"  There are just no "if"s about it!...  God is for us!!!  


"Whom have I in heaven but you?  And on earth there is nothing I desire beside you?  My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!" Psalm 73

Happy Birthday Rachel!

8 miraculous years!  I wish I could somehow reach across the miles and whisper the miraculous news into her birth mother's ears... surely she would be stunned by such news!  When she left her at that bus stop a little more than 7 years ago, she must have believed that her life was hanging in the balance even then...  It was!  But God's healing hand covered her little life and she survived.  Even when the doctors proclaimed her to be "terminal" and sent her to the orphanage to die, she continued to cling to life.  And today... she is so full of life that no one that saw her tonight as she celebrated her 8th birthday would have believed that her future still hangs in the balance.  Her love for life~ her relentless hope~ her contagious smile, are beyond explanation!  I call that a miracle and I am grateful beyond words that God has allowed me to enjoy a front row seat for all He is doing in and through her young life!  It has been a difficult road and many twists and turns still lie ahead.  And though I have no assurance that this journey will end in the way I am hoping, I'd do it again... a million times over!

Rachel has looked forward to this day since she came home from China last September!  I was able to send a package to her last year for her birthday.  It included news that she had a family... complete with photos of all of us anxiously awaiting her homecoming!  She says that she was happy- she had longed to be chosen for so long!  So happy, that she claims she had a hard time sleeping every night after that special day, because she was so excited that we might arrive to take her home "tomorrow".  Sadly, it would be almost 3 months before that "tomorrow" would finally come!  Thankfully, that birthday would be the last she would spend alone!  Today, her 8th birthday was filled with a family that adores her and a great hope that a new heart might bring with it, the chance to celebrate many, many more years of birthday celebrations with the people that love her so much!

We begin this new year waiting for the phone to ring with the news that the heart we are hoping for has finally arrived!  As each day of waiting turns into weeks, and then into months, I wonder how much longer Rachel can hold on...  Many have tried to encourage me by claiming that the last 8 years filled with such miracles are a guarantee that God's plans include a long life ahead for Rachel.  My hope does not rest in any such "guarantee".  My hope rests in knowing that God loves Rachel.  He has an incredible plan for her life!  This is an amazing, miraculous truth whether that plan includes many happy birthdays in the years ahead, or if that plan ordains this to be her last.  Only His grace could explain the absolute peace I feel deep inside even typing such things...  But I know that if He takes her "home" tomorrow, her life will have had unmistakable meaning and eternal purpose!  My own life has been touched and blessed immeasurably by this precious little orphaned girl who knew nothing of HOPE or HOME.  And through her, God has taught me the true meaning of both!!  Happy Birthday to you, precious Rachel!  You are so very loved!... today and always!

I have to include this one!... When people around our table witnessed the pure delight on Rachel's face at the singing of "Happy Birthday", many began pulling out their wallets and calling Rachel to their table to give her some birthday cash!  She walked out of Outback Steakhouse with $27.00 in her hands and the biggest smile you can imagine across her face!  It astounds me how many people are so moved just by watching Rachel find such joy in the things most of us take completely for granted!

Waiting...

I don't like to wait!  Come to think of it... I never have!  When I met Doug, the thought of waiting 3 years to finally be married seemed more like an eternity to me.  And if I thought the wait through a nine month pregnancy was long, I had obviously not yet waited through the grueling adoption process... while my child languished away in an orphanage on the other side of the world, instead of safely tucked inside of me!  Waiting for the fruition of hopes and dreams may indeed make them sweeter when they are finally realized, but every single moment in between seems grueling.

Today I find myself in the most unexpected place of waiting.  Just one year ago I had my heart set on adopting a healthy 9 year old girl from China.  I was convinced that was God's plan for our family.  But I was wrong...  Instead, He had a very "broken" little girl waiting for us that would change every one of us in ways we could not have imagined.  And through the arrival of this "hopeless" orphan, God would usher in a most unexpected season of HOPE!  But with it, came a difficult season of waiting too!

In my wildest imagination I would have never believed that today, we would be waiting for a new heart to save the life of our precious 7 year old daughter, Rachel.  For two months now, our bags have been packed- ready to be loaded into the car at a moments notice. Lists have been typed and hung to help those keeping our home afloat in my absence. Each night I try to bring order to our remodeling chaos (with little success!)... just in case I am gone before morning!  Every single time my cell phone rings my heart skips a beat and the one night my 18 year old son decided to call my cell at 12:40 AM, I nearly fell out of the bed!  And like a woman nearing her final days of pregnancy, I awake each morning with the sweet expectation that this day, might be the day we've been hoping for!

I've never thought about it before now, but HOPE itself, implies waiting...  The Bible says in Hebrews 11:1- "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  Our hope is always set upon things to come...things not yet seen.  In Lori paraphrase, it might say... "Trusting God means being sure of what we hope for, while we wait to see!"  How it must please the Lord when He finds us resting in the HOPE found only in Him.  I can trust the Lord with great HOPE... regardless of the outcome!  God will be glorified, whether that means a heart arrives for Rachel just in time, or if it means He chooses to take Rachel "home" instead.  But until we finally see,... we must wait!  And yet, we wait with HOPE, because we know 'Who' our hopes rest upon.  I can hope in my husband or my children, but I will most certainly be disappointed.  Or I can hope in myself, with even greater disappointment.  But when my hope rests in Christ alone, I can rest in perfect peace, even while I wait...

I've found lately, that people looking in from the outside appear to feel sorry for us and wonder how we are holding up under the "weight" of it all (pun intended!).  But I've actually never experienced a greater sense of hope-filled expectation in my entire life!  As a family, we are closer than I ever remember us being before, and we are learning to enjoy life's little moments as much as the big ones!  In fact, it seems with Rachel, all of life moment's are BIG ones!  I marveled today as Rachel played in the ocean waves for the very first time and squealled with such delight, and then pushed herself to jump into the pool alone and swim underneath the water to my waiting arms.  The look of sweet accomplishment was worth at least a million dollars and I enjoyed watching every single, delightful minute of it!  To think where she was just 7 months ago, and all that she has experienced since then, gives new meaning to the word HOPE!  It's almost ironic that Rachel's blood type is B+...  because with a history like hers, you'd wonder just what she would have to "Be Positive" about at all.  But every single step of the way, ~through doctors visits and hospital stays, open heart surgery, so many needle sticks I can't even count, and the moment by moment reminders of her failing heart, Rachel never fails to find plenty to "Be Positive" about these days!  How could I do less?

And yet, with each passing day, I find the wait getting a bit more difficult.  It is hard to watch Rachel get weaker and weaker and feel completely helpless to do anything about it.  And yet, as I beg God to "hurry" and bring a new heart for Rachel, I am reminded that the gift of life that will come from Him, will only come through the loss of another precious child.  Just a few weeks ago, a grieving family that lost their three year old daughter in a tragic accident, contacted me to offer the gift of life to Rachel through their devestating loss.  Sadly, the match was not as perfect as we had hoped and our transplant team decided against accepting their sacrificial offer...  I can't even find words to describe the tug of war going on within me as I came face to face with the incredible grief surrounding the sacrifice that will have to be made in order for my Rachel to have life.  It all seems overwhelming at times, and I have to return again to lay it in the arms of the One who is the giver of life and trust Him there...

I am posting tonight to ask that as you read, you would pray.  Pray for us as we wait.  Pray that God would strengthen Rachel's heart until His perfect match for her is found.  And pray for the family that will experience such loss in the days ahead... that they, too, would know great HOPE, even as they sacrifice something so precious.  My heart is heavy as I close, but I am so grateful that in spite of the difficult journey we are on, I am filled with immeasurable HOPE and expectation for all that lies ahead.

Unreached...

My hubby is on the other side of the world tonight-  somewhere along the border of India and Nepal.  He's there to share the good news of Christ with some of the 2.88 billion people yet to hear His name.  "Unreached"-  that's what they call them.  From where I'm sitting among the comforts and conveniences of America, the thought of anyone actually being unreached in this day and age seems somehow impossible.  But, sadly, if you care enough to take a look outside your comfort zone, you, too, will find them!  2.88 billion of them- having never heard the name of Jesus!  And if someone... anyone doesn't do anything about it... they never will!

This is an embarrassing indictment against those of us who call Jesus "Lord", because when it comes right down to it, most of us that have been "reached" aren't really worried about those that haven't!  Let someone else do that.  Someone else better equipped to reach them.  Someone else more spiritually gifted to reach them.  Someone else with the financial ability to reach them.  It doesn't really matter!  Just let it be someone else!!!  But I'm beginning to wonder...  If I am not that "someone", who is??

Two weeks ago, my spiritual hero, John Monger, stood before our church body and shared his story.  John was born and raised as a devote Buddhist in the country of Bhutan.  But he felt empty and hopeless until, at the age of 16, he was introduced to Jesus Christ at a secret meeting deep in the jungle.  He had never experienced such joy and hurried home to share his new-found faith in Christ.  He was spit upon by his father and rejected by everyone he loved.  Just months later, while celebrating his first Christmas as a follower of Christ, undercover police officers arrested John and his friends.  They were stripped and beaten continually because they refused to deny Jesus.  They were finally given the choice to either deny Christ or leave the country of Bhutan.  So as a young teenager, John set out into India and then to Nepal to somehow share the Good News of Christ with the millions of unreached people surrounding him.  He shared the Gospel anywhere anyone would listen, and began establishing churches among the Bhutanese refugees living in Nepal.  Again, he was arrested by undercover police officers and spent the next 15 months in the prisons of Nepal.  There he was tortured and persecuted for his faith continually and promised relief only in denying his Lord.  International aid groups and ministries finally secured his release through political pressure and John was reunited with his family and friends at the Bhutanese refugee camps.  He was invited to attend seminary in India for several years.  It was there that he met his wife and together they returned to Nepal to share Christ with the countless unreached people of that region.  John and his wife finally agreed to come to America as religious refugees and now live in Austin, Texas.  But John is not here to pursue the American dream.  He is here only long enough to obtain an American citizenship and the protection that will afford him to return to Nepal, to India, to Bhutan and beyond, so that he can share the Gospel with those that have yet to hear.   

I simply can't add any documentary of my own to John's "modern day Paul" story to even describe the impact his incredible love and devotion to Jesus has had on my life.  My problems and misplaced priorities pale in light of his unwavering commitment to reaching the unreached with the Good News of Jesus.  I possess the same "treasure" as he does... and yet I have spent most of it, for most of my life, on ME!  I am simply not OK with that anymore.  And I wondered how anyone in the building, listening to his story, could leave after hearing his testimony not feeling completely undone!  And yet some did!  I watched them hurry out the nearest exit, climb into their nice SUVs and drive to join friends for lunch at a nearby restaurant of their choice.  Some were even bold enough to express their thoughts... "Why did he come here?",  "Why should we go there?",  "Shouldn't we be helping people closer to home?"    

I remember my own husband turning to me 18 years ago, after a moving presentation about the unreached people of Russia, asking the same questions.  It surprised me, coming from him!  Turns out he was apparently trying to rationalize his way out of going on a mission trip himself.  God didn't let him get away with it, though, and just a few months later, he was signed up for the next mission trip to Russia and asking the FBI for time off work so that he could go.  The FBI finally agreed.  Little did they know that this trip would be the end of his career with the Bureau.  That trip, 17 years ago, changed him...  In fact, it changed everything!  For the first time in his life he saw the heartbreaking hopelessness of the unreached.  He came home and quit his job and for the past 17 years he has dedicated his life to reaching as many of the unreached with the love of Christ as humanly possible.  Doug is an amazing man of God and I want to be more like him!

But I'm a wife-  I'm a stay at home mom.  And I am anything but gifted in evangelism!  How could God use ME???  I finally agreed to travel to Russia with Doug on what would be my own first mission trip.  After all-- this was our new life and I wanted to be a part of it, even if I did feel completely under qualified!  I forced myself to believe that God would somehow use me in spite of myself!  The trip was a personal disaster!  When my flight landed in Moscow, Russia the city was in the middle of a hundred year heat wave!  Really?  I don't do heat well at all!  Especially if that heat is not accompanied by air conditioning!  This mission trip was no "vacation" and it didn't include 5 star hotels, so air conditioning of any kind was out of the question!  I found the nearest translator and begged for a fan.  I could tell by the look on her face that she didn't understand my southern english.  I tried to demonstrate by showing the effect the said fan would have on my hair- blowing in the delightful wind.  I was relieved when it appeared she finally understood!  Relief was on it's way at last... until she returned with a blow dryer!!!  

On the first day in Volgagrad, Russia we hit the streets running.  So many of the unreached needed to hear the Good News of Jesus and we wanted to waste no time in telling them.  The team was divided and sent out across the city.  I had assumed that I would accompany Doug on this evangelistic outing and watch the process as the supportive wife I am...  But before I knew what had happened, I had been paired with a translator and sent out to share Christ ALONE!  This is not quite what I had signed up for, and I was petrified!!!  Our job was to go from apartment to apartment and share Christ, while inviting them to our nightly outreaches.  I am not lying when I say that I had never prayed like I prayed that day!  With every knock on every single apartment door, I prayed with all the faith I could muster.... "Oh, dear God, PLEASE do NOT let anyone answer this door!!!!"   Needless to say, Day 1 was an epic fail from my point of view!!!  Maybe God couldn't use ME after all!  I cried my half naked, very hot, miserable self to sleep that night- only to be awoken by the crawling of a cock roach across my belly.  "Please, God...  can I go home now???"

But Day 2 brought with it a special surprise from the Lord.  Volunteers were needed to go to the local orphanages and minister to the children.  I nearly assaulted the team leader!  Now we're talking!!!  Count me in!!!!  That day changed me...  In fact, it changed everything!  I would return to Russia 8 times to bring the Good News to a few of the 147 million orphans of the world.  God used those trips to reignite the passion deep within my heart to adopt at least one of those orphans as my own.  And the rest, as they say, is history...

I have finally discovered that God can use the treasure within me to reach the unreached too!  No, I'm not an evangelist.  I don't have the passion or the gifting of my evangelist husband.  And I can hardly even relate to the ways God has chosen to use men like John Monger!  But 16 years ago I was introduced to a special group that I DO have a passion and a gifting to reach!  And there are more than 147 million of them!  How could I possibly hear of the hopelessness of so many unreached orphans and not feel moved to be the someone that does something???  And yet for years, I was that someone that did nothing!  And I tried rationalizing my way out of doing something with every excuse in the book!   

You might even recognize a few of these---  "I'm out of the baby stage now!  How could I possibly go back?",  "We don't have the kind of money it takes to adopt!",  " What if loving an orphan as my own is hard?  What if it costs me something?",  "What if she's sick?  What if we lose her?", "What if, what if, what if..."  But if I've learned anything about God over the years, I've learned that He is completely unimpressed by my excuses!  And now, as I sit here and look back upon those excuses with 20/20 vision, I am embarrassed just typing them!  

When Doug left the FBI for full-time ministry to the unreached, we didn't have a clue how we would pay our bills... We were called stupid, naive, and unwise to leave the stability of government work to rely fully on God instead!  And yet, He has been faithful to provide so that the unreached might have hope!  "God's work, done in God's way, will never lack God's supplies" (Hudson Taylor)   

When we stepped out to adopt our 1st from China, and our 2nd, and then our 3rd, we had no idea as to how God would accomplish such a financial feat to rescue 3 from the 147 million unreached orphans through the empty bank account of a missionary family.  And yet, in so many wonderful and unexpected ways, He did!  God is faithful to provide so that the unreached might have hope!  "God's work, done in God's way, will never lack God's supplies"

Any hope for Rachel came with a hefty medical bill attached.  We had NO ability to scale such a financial mountain.  But it simply never crossed our minds that God wouldn't take care of what we needed, to do what He had asked.  God is faithful to provide so that this precious unreached little girl might have hope too!  "God's work, done in God's way, will never lack God's supplies"   

Tonight, while Doug is being used by God on the other side of the world, I am being used right here at home!  My mission field is now tucked in for the night down the hall--- 3 precious little girls- once abandoned, once orphaned, once hopeless, once unreached...  But unreached no more!!!  Thank you, Lord, that you can use even ME to reach the unreached!

Treasures...

God asked me to give away a treasure last night...  I was shocked at first!  This treasure has no monetary value and it was something I felt God had given directly to me simply to delight my heart!  Now, suddenly, I was feeling nudges to give it away.  I decided that a compromise might be worth a try.  I had another treasure, much like this special one, I could give THAT one away instead...  I'd keep the best for myself.  My conscience was pricked all day...  It seemed God didn't like my compromise the way I'd hoped He would.  I was hanging on for dear life to my treasure!  Finally I decided that such a request from God was ridiculous!  Surely I'd made this whole thing up in my head from the start!  After all... who could possibly love my treasure as much as I did?  And what if the recipient didn't understand it's value or what a prized possession it was to me and they completely took it's beauty and sentimental value for granted?  No... I'd keep it!  God would understand... IF, that is, this had been His idea in the first place!!!  Still... my conscience refused to leave me alone!  Or was that God's voice I was hearing again???  URG!!!  "But I love my treasure, Lord!... What if You never give another one like it?"  What was I thinking???  If you've done any reading on this blog for very long, you should know something about me---  Saying "No" to my Lord is simply NOT an option, no matter what He asks of me!

My mind started scrolling through Bible stories where God specifically asked His people to sacrifice their "treasures".  Immediately my thoughts turned to Abraham- the Father of our faith.  In fact, the Bible says that Abraham was considered righteous because of his faith.  That faith was put to the ultimate test when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his beloved son, Isaac!!!  Such a sacrifice is unimaginable to me as a mother!  And yet, God celebrated Abraham's willingness to obey Him with the exclamation- "Now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me." ... His most prized possession!  Willingly given up because he had faith that God would ultimately provide all good things for him, regardless of how the loss of his greatest blessing appeared from his limited point of view!  I felt no need to look further, since I was certain there was no greater sacrifice required of a man that could be more treasured than his own child.  The treasure that I am presently clutching is embarrassingly small in comparison!

I went into my special "nook" to pull my treasure from the perfect location where I had it beautifully displayed.  I admired it again... noticing all the beautiful details that made this particular treasure so special to me. I even considered how I might possibly get away with telling the Lord that I'd decided to go against what was now obviously His leading.

...OK!  This is quickly reaching the level of ridiculous and at this point I'm frankly embarrassed to even admit here just "what" that treasure is.  But for the sake of authenticity and complete honesty... I'll lay my pride down and cough up the truth.

My treasure is a conch shell!  Yes... a shell from the seashore!  I know--- random and ridiculous!  I can feel your eyes rolling as you read!  But before you judge me too harshly, maybe I can explain or somehow justify myself.  Time with the Lord on the beach is beyond special for me!  There is nowhere on the planet where I feel God so near as when the two of us share life through our "talks" on the beach.  Over the years I began collecting special treasures as we walked together that came to symbolize special things that He was teaching me or leading me to do.  Many of you may remember that a feather found along the beach in 2003 was what the Lord used to begin our adoption journey to Kate.  And you could bet your life-savings that the feather from that December day is a treasure I'd most hate to part with!!!  But second only to that feather, would be the very treasure God was now asking me to bless someone else with--- my beautiful conch shell!  It had washed right up to my feet one day while I was spending some special time alone with the Lord, and I celebrated that gift from Him as if I had discovered a million dollars in a bottle.  Over the years I have delighted to find that God loves to lavish His love on us in very unique and "personal" ways.  And for this beach lover, there's hardly a better way to say "I love you!" then to wash a beautiful conch shell right up at my feet!   I danced and twirled and said "Thank you, Lord" at least a million times before hurrying back to our hotel room to show off my gift to Doug!

I've found more than a few conch shells on that very beach since that day, but none so beautiful or special as THAT ONE!  In fact, I'd gladly share one of those smaller, less treasured conches should I ever feel an occasion warranted such a gift.  But today, it seemed, God was asking me if I'd willingly part with my favorite... my treasured gift from Him.  It's rarely been so obvious that He has something to teach me about "letting go" of the things I hold dear!

I'm honestly shocked that you're still reading such silliness!  But since you are, I'm wondering if maybe I'm not alone in clinging too tightly to my special treasures.  I think that if I'm really willing to take a good look into the crevices of my heart, I'll find some sweet blessings from the hand of the Lord that I've loved so much, I am not willing to share them with anyone!  And suddenly I realize that I just might be getting to the bottom of God's message for me in all of this insane prying of my fingers from a common sea shell!!!  God blesses us, so that we might bless others!  His blessings were never intended to be hidden away on the shelves of our lives for our enjoyment alone.  Instead, He gives to us that we might give to others!  This simple truth obviously has far more reaching application than my battle with letting go of a shell!  But I'm sadly reminded by the Spirit that if I'm slow to part with things with mere sentimental value, how will I possibly part with and sacrifice things of REAL worth when He asks me to?

Just this morning at church, I sat and listened in awe once again as my hero in the Faith, John Monger, shared his testimony of persecution and torture for refusing to deny the name of Jesus.  He told of his conversion to Christ in the jungles of Bhutan as a 16 year old boy when he surrendered his heart to the Lord and promised to serve Him for the rest of his life... no matter what it cost!  Little did he know then what that promise would cost in the years ahead.  And yet, he remained strong in the power of the Lord as month after month he was tortured for his faith.  He has sacrificed more in his 20 year walk of faith then I will likely sacrifice in a lifetime.  But he literally gushes with JOY!  Even as he talks of the terrible mistreatment he suffered at the hands of unbelievers, he speaks as though he remembers it with joy!  "Glory to God!" he says again and again.  Sacrifice has become a way of life for John and it overflows from his incredible love for Jesus!  For a moment I am brave enough to glance into my own heart and am saddened to find anything there that I would not willingly sacrifice with joy out of love for Jesus.  And I realize that I have many miles to go in learning to love Him more when my struggle of the weekend is found in releasing a simple treasure found on the beaches of Florida.  But even as I blush with embarrassment, I am thankful that the Lord has not given up on me yet.  He continues to push me on to greater sacrifice so that I might know an even greater joy!  May I be quicker to release my treasures Lord, knowing that the TRUE treasure is YOU!

 John Monger in the vehicle he had prayer for!

Earlier this weekend I had the absolute joy and privilege of participating in a gift from God to one of His servants...  It too, cost me something and I was feeling a bit proud that I had so willingly given up something of value to myself, in order to be a part of what God was doing in the life of another.  Any second thoughts I might have had in letting go of a little "extra" for myself to bless someone else, was instantly washed away when I saw the absolute delight on the recipient's face in receiving that gift of answered prayer from the Lord!  Nothing I could possibly sacrifice would EVER be able to bring the joy that giving it away for another brought!!!  If a "joy cup" can overflow... mine was bubbling over!  And yet, less than 24 hours later, I was struggling to give away a sea shell!!!  God seems to have a special way of keeping me from the pride that so easily creeps in when He allows me to somehow be a part of His love story.

I feel humbled tonight. God has done HUGE things around me and in me this weekend and I am grateful.  I am ending this day with new resolve!  I will pass on my treasure (aka: a conch shell!) to another, lest that very treasure remain in my hands as a reminder of my blessed, but very selfish, heart!  Even before I let it go... I know what I will find on the other side, as I can feel it creeping in already!  Immeasurable JOY awaits me!!  Overflowing and bubbling over!  And as I release my treasure tonight, I wait with great expectation in discovering how God will uniquely say "I love you, Lori!" tomorrow!

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  Matthew 6:19-21

God is so incredibly good!  We are celebrating His answer to our prayers for John!

May my precious treasures grow to love Jesus like these men of God!

The HOPE of Easter...

When Christ was born, HOPE was born with Him!  But HOPE was never more fully alive than in His death!  This simply makes no sense in our human economy.  Had we been alive 2000 years ago and witnessed His gruesome death with our own eyes, I think it unlikely that we would have characterized that day as a day filled with HOPE!  That God uses death and darkness to usher in our greatest HOPE defies human reason!  And yet, tonight as I pray and beg God for a heart that will give new life to my daughter, I am haunted by the thought that her only HOPE lies in the death of another.  But those thoughts are far too "weighty" for my own fragile heart and I must leave them in the hands of a Father who is all knowing, all powerful, all loving, and fully able to handle the things I can not even begin to understand.     


I can not explain why God placed His sovereign hand over the life of a broken-hearted orphan, abandoned on the streets of China.  Or why through miracle upon miracle He preserved her life, and provided a way for her to finally come home!  Or why on this Good Friday, that "hopeless" little girl now waits for a new life that can only be found in the death of another.  But if the death and resurrection of my Lord teaches me anything, it teaches me that God can be trusted with things far too difficult for me to understand.  That trust brings peace.  And it brings a sweet confidence that I am welcomed before Him to ask with HOPE that this Easter morning will bring with it a new heart and a new life for our precious Rachel.    

Rachel's story has changed my own life in so many ways.  And I've marveled as I've watched God use her story to weave Himself through the lives of the people I love.  Ellie penned the story in her own words this week and it is proudly displayed on the chalk board in our kitchen for all to see!  And Kate... how can I even begin to write of the beautiful ways the Lord is working in her precious heart?  To hear the prayers of simple trust from her lips these days humbles me and reminds me why our Savior said that we should come to Him as a child would!  Such yearning for Truth leads to many difficult questions, though, and I've wondered if she understood exactly what a new heart for Rachel meant for another child... for another family... until she came to me and Doug this week and offered her OWN!  "I will give Rachel MY heart," she said, "and be the first in our family to heaven!"...as if she somehow thought this might be an acceptable exchange!  Suddenly the reality of the cross and what it's HOPE cost Christ came fully alive in our home!  The Gospel beautifully illustrated through the lips of an 8 year old girl!


Sadly, Rachel's heart tires more with each passing day.  Last week she seemed especially weak and several times I noticed her quietly removing herself from the giggles and fun to sit and watch from the sidelines instead.  On one occasion I slipped onto the bench beside her just in time for her to ask me "Why?"  "It's your broken heart, Baby... but soon you will be able to laugh and play too!"  I tried to encourage her as she wilted across my lap.  "Come on, Dr Fricker!" she said.  "Hurry!"  Listen to the cries of your precious Rachel, Lord!  Please, DO hurry!  And while you're at it, Father... would you give me a new heart too?  I'm quick to forget how broken my own heart is,... how hardened I've allowed it to become by the pain of the last year,... or how quick I am to nurse and protect my wounded heart when what I really need is a transplant from the Lord Jesus Himself!  I am painfully aware that my own need is as great as Rachel's.  And suddenly the message of Easter and the heart Christ died to give us both becomes more real than ever before!  Thank you, Lord, that even when our "Good Friday's" appear hopeless, Easter morning brings news that HOPE is fully alive!  May it be more true this year than ever before as we await news of HOPE for Rachel...

I wouldn't trade!

I take no responsibility for the writings contained in this blog!  You will have to blame "Ambien"- my best friend, when sleeping on a strange chair they somehow reconfigure and then call it a bed!  There is a great chance that I won't remember a single word I typed here tomorrow morning.  I'll come back and check the facts when I'm more "sane" though... so you can read knowing that I will ultimately protect you from the completely outlandish statements I might make tonight...   

It has been an incredibly long day... to put it mildly!  I am typing right now, from the same ICU room where Rachel recovered following her first open-heart surgery.  Strange.... almost as if time has stood still!  At least in this place it does!  But you're probably not reading to hear about the hospital... I'm bettin' you're here to find out about Rachel's cath....  Here goes!


Rachel handled the heart cath beautifully today!  She had cried some of the saddest tears you've ever seen when I told her we were coming back here for her heart cath, but you would have never known it, looking at her now!  She was the perfect little patient!  A delight to everyone that she came in contact with today!  And amazingly, she's done it all with zero translation from our Chinese friends!  Her English skills astound me after being in America for only 5 months!!!

Unfortunately, the catheter results revealed what the cardiologist had feared.  Pressures are too high and the single ventricle too weak to support the second open heart surgery she needs (the fontan).  There is still much discussion needed between the cardiology team and for us - much time spent in prayer with the Great Physician, but the decision was made today to go ahead and list Rachel for a heart transplant.  She is still able to function and live a "normal" life, so we will return home tomorrow and begin a new season of "waiting" in our lives.  I can't really imagine what that wait might look like and there are many emotional issues that I will need some time to "process".  First and foremost is understanding the realities surrounding a heart transplant.  One parent will loose everything... while we receive an indescribably beautiful gift from their hands.  


We are so grateful for the outpouring of love we have felt through so many of you!  Thank you for being vigilant in prayer on our behalf.  God has heard, and has responded in ways that astound me!  Just today, I was overwhelmed by the absolute peace I felt... and joy!  Real joy!  Strange emotions in the really hard places!  But I am discovering a God who meets His children in those very places, in sweet, overwhelming ways!  This is a strange road, indeed... but one I wouldn't trade for the world!