Waiting...




I don't like to wait!  Come to think of it... I never have!  When I met Doug, the thought of waiting 3 years to finally be married seemed more like an eternity to me.  And if I thought the wait through a nine month pregnancy was long, I had obviously not yet waited through the grueling adoption process... while my child languished away in an orphanage on the other side of the world, instead of safely tucked inside of me!  Waiting for the fruition of hopes and dreams may indeed make them sweeter when they are finally realized, but every single moment in between seems grueling.

Today I find myself in the most unexpected place of waiting.  Just one year ago I had my heart set on adopting a healthy 9 year old girl from China.  I was convinced that was God's plan for our family.  But I was wrong...  Instead, He had a very "broken" little girl waiting for us that would change every one of us in ways we could not have imagined.  And through the arrival of this "hopeless" orphan, God would usher in a most unexpected season of HOPE!  But with it, came a difficult season of waiting too!

In my wildest imagination I would have never believed that today, we would be waiting for a new heart to save the life of our precious 7 year old daughter, Rachel.  For two months now, our bags have been packed- ready to be loaded into the car at a moments notice. Lists have been typed and hung to help those keeping our home afloat in my absence. Each night I try to bring order to our remodeling chaos (with little success!)... just in case I am gone before morning!  Every single time my cell phone rings my heart skips a beat and the one night my 18 year old son decided to call my cell at 12:40 AM, I nearly fell out of the bed!  And like a woman nearing her final days of pregnancy, I awake each morning with the sweet expectation that this day, might be the day we've been hoping for!

I've never thought about it before now, but HOPE itself, implies waiting...  The Bible says in Hebrews 11:1- "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  Our hope is always set upon things to come...things not yet seen.  In Lori paraphrase, it might say... "Trusting God means being sure of what we hope for, while we wait to see!"  How it must please the Lord when He finds us resting in the HOPE found only in Him.  I can trust the Lord with great HOPE... regardless of the outcome!  God will be glorified, whether that means a heart arrives for Rachel just in time, or if it means He chooses to take Rachel "home" instead.  But until we finally see,... we must wait!  And yet, we wait with HOPE, because we know 'Who' our hopes rest upon.  I can hope in my husband or my children, but I will most certainly be disappointed.  Or I can hope in myself, with even greater disappointment.  But when my hope rests in Christ alone, I can rest in perfect peace, even while I wait...

I've found lately, that people looking in from the outside appear to feel sorry for us and wonder how we are holding up under the "weight" of it all (pun intended!).  But I've actually never experienced a greater sense of hope-filled expectation in my entire life!  As a family, we are closer than I ever remember us being before, and we are learning to enjoy life's little moments as much as the big ones!  In fact, it seems with Rachel, all of life moment's are BIG ones!  I marveled today as Rachel played in the ocean waves for the very first time and squealled with such delight, and then pushed herself to jump into the pool alone and swim underneath the water to my waiting arms.  The look of sweet accomplishment was worth at least a million dollars and I enjoyed watching every single, delightful minute of it!  To think where she was just 7 months ago, and all that she has experienced since then, gives new meaning to the word HOPE!  It's almost ironic that Rachel's blood type is B+...  because with a history like hers, you'd wonder just what she would have to "Be Positive" about at all.  But every single step of the way, ~through doctors visits and hospital stays, open heart surgery, so many needle sticks I can't even count, and the moment by moment reminders of her failing heart, Rachel never fails to find plenty to "Be Positive" about these days!  How could I do less?

And yet, with each passing day, I find the wait getting a bit more difficult.  It is hard to watch Rachel get weaker and weaker and feel completely helpless to do anything about it.  And yet, as I beg God to "hurry" and bring a new heart for Rachel, I am reminded that the gift of life that will come from Him, will only come through the loss of another precious child.  Just a few weeks ago, a grieving family that lost their three year old daughter in a tragic accident, contacted me to offer the gift of life to Rachel through their devestating loss.  Sadly, the match was not as perfect as we had hoped and our transplant team decided against accepting their sacrificial offer...  I can't even find words to describe the tug of war going on within me as I came face to face with the incredible grief surrounding the sacrifice that will have to be made in order for my Rachel to have life.  It all seems overwhelming at times, and I have to return again to lay it in the arms of the One who is the giver of life and trust Him there...



I am posting tonight to ask that as you read, you would pray.  Pray for us as we wait.  Pray that God would strengthen Rachel's heart until His perfect match for her is found.  And pray for the family that will experience such loss in the days ahead... that they, too, would know great HOPE, even as they sacrifice something so precious.  My heart is heavy as I close, but I am so grateful that in spite of the difficult journey we are on, I am filled with immeasurable HOPE and expectation for all that lies ahead.

10 comments:

  1. We continue to keep your family in our prayers, that His timing is perfect and that your heart is at peace. I can't help but sit here in thanksgiving and cry because He already has provided her with someone who knows her name and she will never be alone again. That she knows Him. So many incredible changes in such a short time. I also weep because her story helped us take a leap of faith - to our son.
    http://bringinghomeholland.blogspot.com/2012/04/here-we-grow-again.html
    Although we have already been blessed with reassurance, knowing your heart for Rachel helped us to take that leap of faith.

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  2. Comments like these make the journey even sweeter! Thank you, Yvette! I have already visited your blog and seen that precious little boy of yours! May you find the immeasurable joy we have discovered in taking that leap of faith straight into His waiting arms! The blessings will astound you! I can't wait to cheer you on!- Lori

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  3. I can't even imagine. As difficult as the adoption wait is...I can't imagine how this wait must be. I am praying for your sweet girl and that God would sustain her until her precious gift comes. You are such an inspiration to so many! Praying for you, my friend.

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  4. Hi Lori

    WOW...praying for you sweet lady and for you family...that IN HIS perfect timing..she gets a beautiful and perfect healing. Also praying for peace that surpasses all understanding.....and a joy that is AMAZING!
    Blessings
    Tammy
    beavoice.me

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  5. He truly is our reason to hope, isn't He?! Praying for your sweet and beautiful girl.

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  6. Lori, I have been praying for Rachel, but tonight asked my sweet "heart" girl to pray at bedtime for her also. When Lia asked me where Rachel would get her new heart I had such an emotional time trying to explain this to her. We prayed for both families and will continue to pray, believing that God will heal Rachel's heart and send comfort for another family.

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  7. Praying dear Lori. Oh my, how I am praying!

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  8. Hi Lori! Just wanted you to know we are praying--what a year this past one has been and what precious girls GOd has added to our homes since then. Thank you for sharing stories of Rachel's delight in what we consider to be little things. It is a late wish, but Happy Mother's Day my friend!!
    (gregdespres.com)

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  9. We are praying too. We are also in a tough season of waiting, and so I know how you feel, although you seem to be handling it much better than I. Thanks for sharing this your journey with us, it helps strengthen my heart as I choose daily to put my trust in the Lord and wait on His perfect outcome. Love to you!
    simplyhomeblog.com

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  10. I am continuing to pray and check your blog often. Much love and prayers. May God bless your family.

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