When I am afraid, I will trust in You...

Rachel is one of the bravest little girls I've ever met!  I've faced a few fears in my life, but they pale in comparison to the mountains of fear this 7 year old girl has been forced to face in her little life time.  She walked into a room this week with so much courage and met a crazy, loud, very "different" looking, smelling, talking, group of people (that would be us!) and agreed to go alone to a hotel room and entrust her entire future into their hands.  Not that she had great options or anything... But I would have personally wanted to run as far away as I could, had I been faced with such unknowns.  She was asked to leave every human being she's ever known, the only "home" she's ever known,... learn a new language, learn how to act in a family, learn how to obey a very strange "Mama" and "Baba" and somehow do it all with a smile on your face.  And she did!!!  Wow!  That's more fear than most folks will face head on in a lifetime!  And sadly... Rachel had to face those fears completely alone...  This she has done!...and without shedding a single tear!  

As beautifully as Rachel has done this week, I still notice a reluctance to depend on me as a "real" Mommy.  She simply doesn't know how.  It boggles my mind to think that she was never snuggled at night before going to sleep, or relaxed her body against a Mommy's chest to calm her fears away... But the sad truth is that all of the things our birth children take completely for granted, this little girl is experiencing for the first time at the age of 7.  


But through God's mercy and grace upon this precious little one, she doesn't have to face her fears alone anymore.  She has two people in her life now that want nothing more than to walk beside her and help her to carry her burdens!  So today, when we arrived at the medical clinic for her adoption "check-up" (which would include a TB skin test prick) she had a choice to make... would she brave this alone, the way she always has,... or would she be willing to allow us to "carry her" there?  


The look on her face could not have been more serious as we waited in the hallway for our turn.  I knew just how serious when I offered her candy and though she didn't refuse it... she kept it wrapped and clutched tightly in her little hand.  She seemed to hold it together for the heart check, the ENT checks and the eye exam... but when it was time for the TB stick, she decided that she was "done"!  Rachel took me by the hand and pulled me toward the exit, pleading with her sad eyes... begging me to take her away from her fears. Communication has been rough, but at that moment, the language barrier had melted away.  No words were needed!  She wanted to run away ~ and wanted me to run with her!


I had to physically pick her up and carry her in to the room where they were waiting to do the TB stick on her arm.  But for the very first time, her body was not stiff... Instead, it had wrapped it's skinny little self around me and was hanging on for dear life.  When I pulled her away to look her in the eyes and reassure her... I saw the tears welling up and then overflowing onto her cheeks.  Her bottom lip quivered as she wept silently.  At that moment, I needed every bit of strength I could muster to not break into full out wailing myself!  A little prick in the arm was "peanuts" compared to the mountains she'd faced in the past few days alone!... not to mention the mountains that still lie ahead for her!  But for the first time in her life, she had a Mommy there to hold her up... to comfort her... and to assure her that all would be OK. It was a huge victory for us as mother and daughter and I relished the moments even after the test was over to rock her and whisper tenderly in her ears.  


It breaks my heart to see her fears on display and to realize how reluctant she is to turn to anyone for the help she so desperately needs.  But Rachel is not the only one who is afraid.  I, too, am afraid!  Scared. out. of. my. mind.  For reasons too many to even list here.  And so often I, like Rachel, am so reluctant to admit that I actually need help... that I can't do life on my own... I can see now that God uses those times of fear to draw me back into His arms and allow Him to be the Father I need so much.  I don't have to be brave and strong!  He will do that for me!


In some strange, beautiful way God used Rachel's fears today to knit her heart to mine and mine to hers.  Lord, take my fears today too... use them to knit me closer to you!

Nothing that a bowl of noodles won't fix!...

 ..or an afternoon swim!...

..or a princess fingernail painting party!...

"Fear not, for I am with you!  

I will never leave you, nor forsake you!"

Chosen...

 "He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love, He predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will."    


On Gotcha Day when we saw Rachel's orphanage director, we asked through our guide if we could visit the orphanage before we left Shanghai.  At first she said that she didn't think this was such a good idea, as Rachel might struggle to return so soon after meeting us.  I'm not one to take "no" for an answer very well... especially in matters such as these, so I resorted to begging!  (and silently praying, I might add!)  Praise God, she changed her mind and said that as soon as the adoption was final the following day, we could drive out for a visit and see where Rachel spent the first 7 years of her little life.  


If an orphanage could possibly be described as "beautiful", the Shanghai CWI would be just that!  It is considered the model orphanage in China and much money has been spent for it to continue in such a reputation.  Even so... it is an orphanage... full of orphans... this is unacceptable!  Rachel has never once enjoyed a special bond with any one individual.  She has apparently had over twenty different caregivers in her short lifetime.  These caregivers work in "shifts" and then return home to their own families when their day is done.  Because Rachel has such a critical heart condition, she was never considered for a place in a foster home, where she might learn what it means to be part of a family.  Again... unacceptable!  It will never be OK with me for even ONE child to grow up in such an environment without ever knowing the love of a Mommy and Daddy.  To make matters even worse... an orphan in China is, and will always be, just that... an orphan.  They carry the last name of an orphan and will forever carry the "stigma" of their unfortunate beginning.  Most are unlikely to ever receive a real education or a decent job because they are considered the "unlucky" ones in society.  And most parents of any young man would prohibit their son from ever marrying an orphan, as it might bring bad luck upon the entire family.  Once an orphan... Always an orphan!  No family, no future, no hope.  This should never be!


But God (two of my favorite words) has made a way for some of these precious children to have their lives and their futures redeemed through the beautiful process of adoption.  And among the 160 million orphans in the world, a few are actually "chosen" to receive the gift of a family... a hope... and a future.  These children don't "merit" this in any way and they can't give anything in return for the gift of adoption either.  Is it any wonder that the Lord's heart beats for such as these?  Oh, how grateful I am that His heart beats for me too!  I AM the orphan, you know?  You are too!  Without our adoption into His family, we too are completely without hope... without a future.  What a beautiful thought, that out of the 6 billion orphans (I mean people) walking this planet...  I was CHOSEN to be HIS!  No longer an orphan, but a daughter!  No longer unwanted, but loved!  I have a name...  I have a hope...  I have a future!


When we arrived at the orphanage, Rachel looked a little bit unsure of things... I wondered if she actually thought we were bringing her back to the life she thought she'd finally been rescued from.  I had our guide assure her that we were only here to meet her friends and teachers, and to say "good-bye".  We were her Mommy and Daddy, and she would never be alone again.  Still, she seemed unconvinced.  But as each caregiver congratulated her on her new family and bid their final farewells... a new little girl began to emerge that I hadn't seen before.  There was a spring to her step and at one point I saw her standing before a table full of little boys asking about her new "Mama" and "Baba", with a hand firmly planted on her hip as if she thought she was "somebody" special!  She grabbed her two sisters by the hand and marched them along as if to announce to everyone that would listen..."I have a family!  I belong!  I'm going home!"  She had finally been CHOSEN!  


Just before we said our last good-byes to a group of class-mates and teachers, she was asked if she was sad to leave the orphanage.  She was quick to respond! "NO!"  she said, "I have a Mommy and a Daddy, and I'm going home to America!"  She had been CHOSEN and she was going home!

Rachel's paperwork indicated that over the years she watched as other children were chosen and then left one by one with their forever families.  She told her teacher that she dreamed of the day when she might be adopted too.  What must it be like as a child, to watch as the children around you  leave with Mommy's and Daddy's, while you wait... and wonder if it will ever be you?  Oh, what a joy it is to be used by God to be the answer to so many years of wondering... of dreaming...  You have been chosen, precious child ~ never to be alone ~ never to be forgotten again!  What a privilege it is Rachel, to hold your hand and walk with you as you discover God's beautiful plan for your life!  

Giggles, giggles,...more giggles!

How is it even remotely possible that a child so happy, so full of giggles, so full of life... is dying?  I think somebody forgot to tell her!  :-)  And if you didn't notice her blue fingers, toes, and lips... you'd think maybe they gave us the wrong child.  Rachel is such a precious little girl!  Something about her pulls you into her happy world and before you know it, you've completely forgotten that just below the surface, there is something wrong... something terribly wrong!  Before we even arrived in China, I begged the Lord to do a super-natural work in my heart and give me a deep, deep love for this little girl I'd never even met.  I've known since the first phone call when I was warned that she was "terminal" that to really love Rachel might be a heart wrenching experience.  I guess my human inclination was to guard my heart and in so doing, hope to somehow lessen the pain of losing her.  But that's not the kind of Mommy Rachel needs... Rachel needs a Mommy that's willing to go to that place for her and with her...  Rachel needs a Mommy that will love her deeply, will feel what she feels deeply, and is willing to do it no matter the risk...  I never thought I could be that kind of Mommy!  Such a calling would be for someone else far stronger than I!  But here I am... typing from a hotel room in Shanghai, China with that precious little girl sleeping peacefully across the room.  Yesterday afternoon Rachel Hope walked into a crowded conference room in a civil affairs office in the middle of China and literally stole my heart... God answered my feeble prayer for a faith deep enough to keep taking another step into the unknown and for a love so deep, it was willing to risk even the most painful loss... I'm so glad He did!  Even now, as I type, I realize how much richer my life is in having welcomed this little one in as my own!  


Tonight, as we strolled along the Yangtze River, Doug took Rachel and lifted her onto his shoulders like he has with all of our children before her...  The look of utter delight on her face was priceless!  She sang a happy song at the top of her lungs and waved her hands as if directing an orchestra.  She was on top of the world!  A little 7 year old girl... found in a basket at a bus station dying of a severe heart defect and pneumonia as a 9 month old... no name... no birthdate... no home... no hope.  But she was not forgotten!  She was precious in the sight of God, and He never took His eyes off of her!  And in some miraculous way, He has preserved her life until now... and orchestrated this beautiful new chapter of her story.  She is loved!... oh, so loved by a Mommy and Daddy who won't let her make the journey alone and will prop her up on their shoulders for the ride.  From her point of view... the world looks a little bit different than it does for most of us... She has found much to sing about and to wave her arms in happy celebration!  In fact, I think I'll close this blog on that note, so that when "Ms. Happy Pants" wakes up to celebrate tomorrow morning... I'll half be able to join in with her! :-)

We Gotcha Sweet Rachel!

I'm not sure there's words for the "moments" of today!  Only that God does so much immeasurably more than I've EVER imagined before, and I'm embarrassed that my faith is so weak.  He's proven Himself faithful time and time again, and TODAY immeasurably more faithful than I've ever known Him before!  We saw Rachel the moment we got off the elevator at the civil affairs building.  She was sitting in an office waiting.  She was wearing the outfit I'd sent for her birthday... and she looked oh, so precious!  It seemed as though she recognized us and began peeking over the back of the chair, waving.  I snuck a little candy to her before we were ushered down the hall for I don't know how many more pieces of paperwork before they would formally introduce us to her.  How many times do I have to tell the very same people my name, my birthdate, my address, the embarrassing fact that I am "only" a high-school graduate and a "home maker"????  Geezy, Wheezy!  Just bring me that little girl of mine!  


FINALLY she was brought into the room and ushered straight into our hearts and her forever family!  I could try to describe what took place inside that crowded conference room, but there is no language known to man that could do it "justice"!  I am shocked and saddened that this precious little girl could have been left alone for so long... could have struggled with a broken heart without a Mommy and Daddy to care... to hold her... to tuck her in at night... It is suddenly so clear why throughout scripture the Lord says that His heart beats passionately for such as these.  Rachel is precious... oh, SO precious!  She is trusting and loving, and her giggle makes time stand still!  Every time she catches your eye, the edges of her mouth curl at the ends as if she is holding back a smile.  Oh my... I could go on all night, but all you really want is the photos... I know!  I've been on the "reading" end of so many blogs dreaming of today!  Hang in there Mama's!  Days like today make every heart ache, every piece of paperwork, every delay, every dime you've spent... worth it ALL!  God is still in the miracle making business!... I know... because I witnessed one TODAY!  :-)


Tonight, at the close of this dreamy day, Doug picked up Rachel out of her little bed, tucked in between Kate and Ellie, because he couldn't bear putting her to sleep without rocking and holding her first...  She nestled onto his shoulder, stroked his face, and hands, and had the sweetest look of peace and utter delight on her face.  When I leaned over to say goodnight, she took my face and pulled me close... smiled that priceless little smile and hugged me as if she might never let go...  Oh Lord,  it boggles my mind that you would trust me with such a treasure... May I be found faithful in tending your precious, little flock!

The moment we've all been waiting for...

...is almost at hand!  It's the "almost" part that is almost killing me!  And that illusive...long dreamed for...spent thousands for (sounds like a wedding, doesn't it)...lost sleep for... magical "moment" seems to be near killing this 40 something year old body tonight.  We have the clothes chosen and laid out for the entire family.  We must look good!... After all, this "moment" will be forever memorialized through photos and video clips.  You simply can't get THIS one wrong!  The camera is packed and ready to go, along with an extra battery... just in case.  The video camera has been charged and checked over.  The 7 year old videographer has received in depth training in the "Flip"s use.  More importantly, the 8 year old photographer for tomorrows most important occasion has been brushed up as best she can on photo taking of life's most important events.... I've decided that should this not go well.... my now 7 and 8 year olds just might need therapy!  Such pressure to perform could nearly ruin an otherwise emotionally happy child!  :-)  Paperwork- Check;  Passports- Check;  Camera- Check;  Video camera- Check;  A good nights sleep tonight - I don't think so!!! 


And with all the preparations of the past several months and now the final moments of count down to Rachel for this special "moment"... The truth is that it is just that... a moment!  A beautiful one, but a "moment" none the less.  In the end, it is all the moments following the big "moment" that God will use to weave His beautiful redemption story in the life of a little girl named Rachel Hope.  But tomorrow morning's "moment" is the first moment of many more to come-  the moment when a little girl named Zhao Chun Piao is no longer an orphan but a beloved daughter-  the moment when her mommy whispers "I love you" in her ear and she understands that she doesn't have to make life work alone anymore-  the moment when her daddy spins her around the room like a princess and she realizes that some fairy tales really do come true-  and the moment when, for the first time in her young life she hears the name of Jesus and finally understands what it really means to be loved!  Yes... it's just a moment... but it's a really important one and I honestly can't believe that it is one the Lord has allowed this Mommy to be a part of...  Thank you Lord Jesus!  It is, and will forever be, one of the greatest privileges of my life!  May your heart for the orphans shine brightly through me in this MOMENT!

Our "immeasurable" God!

"The condition for a miracle is difficulty. But for a great miracle ...it's impossibility!"
And we're off... to China! Doug and I have witnessed a miracle that only God could have orchestrated!  We've simply had the privilege of being a part of it!  Just last weekend we were $17,600. short of the funds we needed to travel this week and get our precious Rachel home.  Yet we've seen God provide so immeasurably so many times... we simply could not doubt that He would once again accomplish what appeared "impossible" to us! I guess you could say that we weren't "surprised" by His provision, but overwhelmed and awed to witness such a beautiful miracle on behalf of a precious orphan half a world away...  Surely God's heart for this sweet girl is unmistakable!  


We finally got the long awaited phone call from GWCA that our TA had arrived!  We were cleared to leave Jacksonville in less than 48 hours...  That is, of course, as long as we had the funds to do so!  God was not surprised by the timing of our approval!  By Tuesday evening we had EVERY DIME we needed to go!  By Wednesday, Doug had the rather large provision in his hands in perfect American dollar bills!  We have shouted, hugged, cried, felt incredibly humbled, the hair on my legs has grown at least an inch (in case you're wondering... from goose bumps!), and now...


I am typing from our hotel room in Shanghai, China!   "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or think...  To HIM be the glory!!!"

"First Class" treatment for the Birthday Princess!  Are you rich...you might ask!  Yes... rich in the Lord!  And blessed to be "buddies" of a special pilot we call "Joe".  I like to say that God is "showing off"!  Wouldn't you agree?  :-)

We brought some special "old" friends along for the journey too!

Many of you reading my blog were a part of God's abundant provision to bring Rachel home... I pray that you are blessed and your faith is increased in seeing our incredible God on display!  Please pray mightily this weekend...  the butterflies are moving in and setting up residence in my stomach as the moment I've longed for draws near... I always think that I won't be nervous "this time", but meeting a scared little stranger who's never known the love of a family never comes without it's share of jitters and even though I feel scared "silly", I also know that it will be one of the most special memories of my lifetime and I want to savor it!  A skype with our "house sitters" (aka Russ and Steph) informed us that several more financial blessings have arrived in our mailbox since we left two days ago... Since I'm being so honest here, I'll even admit that makes me "nervous"... Wait a minute, God... we have all we need right now!  But I also know that God knows all that lies ahead and may be gently reminding us of His immeasurable provision for Rachel's sweet heart.  This will be a long journey.  His grace will supply everything we need to honor Him through it.  Pray that we will walk into this unknown place with great confidence in our incredible God...

Two beautiful letters!...

September 6, 2011

Travel Approval!