September 8, 2004 - Kate's Referral

     It is with inexpressible joy that I am writing to announce the referral of our new daughter - Katherine Grace MengHua McCary!  "The Call" came today that news had finally arrived from China.  A little girl by the name of Yi Meng Hua, born on September 8, 2003 (one year old today!!), had been matched with our family!  She is waiting for us at the YiYang Children's Welfare Institute in Hunan, China.  On September 19, 2003, our 11 day old baby girl was found next to the roadside, packed in red carpet with a bottle and some formula- no doubt, left to be found by someone who would love and care for her.  We are thrilled to have been chosen as the lucky family to do just that!  Moments after the call, a picture of her would arrive on our computer.  We all gathered around to finally see the little face I had spent a lifetime dreaming about!  With the click of a button, there she was!!!...

     No one could have ever prepared me for the overwhelming emotion I would feel upon finally seeing her!  It was much like the moment I first saw my other three children at their deliveries, and one I will forever treasure.  As you can imagine, I stared at her picture for hours- memorizing every detail of her mouth, her eyes... and those cheeks!!!  Finally, at 3AM, I turned out the light to end this most special day, but couldn't resist turning it back on for just one more glance!
     I have been praying since the beginning of this journey that God would confirm the baby chosen for us as His choice.  I offered a few ideas as to how He might do this... A dream about her, so that I would know her face, or maybe a birthday of Dec. 18th - the day I found the white feather on the beach and felt certain that this was God's plan for us.  I was disappointed that He'd chosen neither of those options...  But He had an even better idea!  When our baby was brought to the orphanage, she was given the first name of "Meng".  Translated into English- that name is "DREAM".  That God would fulfill my lifelong dream with a little girl by that very name, is the sweetest confirmation from the Dream Giver Himself that this is, indeed, His perfect choice for us!  And His blessings go on and on!  As if the first name of "Dream" wasn't enough...  the middle name given her was "Hua" - meaning  "FLOWER" in English!  God's tender mercies overflowing in my life through a precious baby girl named "Dream Flower"!  Could His intimate love be more obvious to an "Ordinary", "Much-Afraid" Mom like me?  I am in awe of such a great God!


 "God uses men who are weak and feeble enough to lean on Him"  Hudson Taylor

Immeasurable fears....

                                           Journal Entry - January 9, 2004
Ephesians 2:10 - "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." 
     Of all the fears I have (and there are plenty of them!), none compare to the fear of missing out on God's best for me.  That I would put my 'Big Dream' off so long... always waiting for the right time, only to get to the end of my life and realize that I had missed it!  Let it never be!

     Surely this dream of mine was planted in my heart by God himself!  But I wonder... why China?  I've walked through the halls of many orphanages in Russia.  The need there is huge! Thousands of children with no hope of a forever family this side of heaven!  I suppose it was a sweet mercy from the Lord that my dreams were in China.  How else could I have ever come home empty handed???

   A close friend and I have been struggling with the idea of "dreams" for 2 years now.  After all, I am a dreamer!  I always have been!  But I've always been embarrassed to talk about my dreams with anyone by my close friends because they all seem to be so much about me... not so much about God and His desire to use me to make a difference.  My dreams would make a difference in my life, but few others!  I even realized a few of those dreams, but was disappointed to find that they left me empty... They didn't satisfy!  The past few months have brought a season of incredible new peace to my life.  I would stop pursuing my dreams and just pursue Him!  What inexpressible joy I have found there!  I suppose that is why I can say with complete honesty that I am happier than I have ever been!  How I have found my own words to groups of women to be true:  God + Nothing = Everything!

     Now the white feather!  Now this childhood, Dream Giver dream of mine!  I have suddenly realized that this dream, unlike so many of my others, isn't about me.  It is, instead, about how God can use me to meet a big need in the world and to be a part of His purpose and plan!  How I don't want to miss out on that!  I just can't walk away!  What a privilege that He would include me in His plan!  And what an irony of ironies -- that He would ask me to take an abandoned child as my own, when I abandoned my own unborn child!  What a beautiful redemption story He is weaving!  I am only beginning to see that our greatest ministry flows from our greatest failure!  What kind of merciful, gracious God we serve!!!

     Words from page 18 of "The Dream Giver" strike me as such a simple truth... "Could it be that maybe the Dream Giver gave every Nobody a Dream, but only some embraced their dream?  And even fewer pursued them?"

     Not this dreamer!!!  I will embrace and pursue my dream!  I refuse to miss God's best for me by staying in the land of comfort and 'familiar'.  I have just begun my own journey, but already I can see myself in Ordinary so clearly.  Moments when I question God's wisdom in giving ME this dream; moments when "I think I want to go back home" or that "I'm not the right Nobody to go after such a big Dream".  But, like Ordinary, in those moments, I hear the gentle voice of my Dream Giver... "yes, you are... You can... I made you to do this!"

     Whatever the cost, whatever the sacrifice... My Dream is waiting for me in the Land of Promise!  I've packed my white feather for the journey... I'm coming Lord!!!

The Dream Giver...

     My body was in Florida celebrating 20 years of marriage... My heart was in China.  I could think of little else.  My mind was in full-out war with itself.  One moment I was certain - the next - terrified!!!
     Doug and I knelt next to our hotel bed and begged God for direction.  For Doug, the whole process was pretty cut and dried.  You feel led to do something - go do it!  Not me!!!  I was on an emotional roller coaster.  Couples celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary  aren't usually contemplating starting a family--- again!  Nothing could cure my restless heart like a good long walk on the beach with the Lord.  I grabbed my Ipod and headed out the door.  I set my Ipod on one song and hit repeat again and again for the entire walk!  The words of that song expressed the words of my heart... a prayer I couldn't have spoken better myself!


     "I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's OK.  The last thing I need is to be heard, but to hear what you would say.  Word of God speak.  Would you pour down like rain?  Washing my eyes to see your majesty.  To be still and know that you're in this place.  Please let me stay and rest in your holiness.  Word of God speak!" 
     "I'm finding myself in the midst of you, beyond the music, beyond the noise.  All that I need, is to be with you, and in the quiet, hear your voice.  Word of God speak.  Would you pour down like rain?  Washing my eyes to see your majesty.  To be still and know that you're in this place.  Please let me stay and rest in your holiness.  Word of God speak.  Would you pour down like rain?  Washing my eyes to see your majesty.  To be still and know that you're in this place.  Please let me stay and rest in your holiness." 
     "I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's OK."

     
     It was a cold, winter day, so I had the beach to myself.  I raised my hands in prayer to the Lord... I cried... I begged God to come near!  As I walked along, praying, I noticed a beautiful white feather near the edge of the water.  I had always collected shells and shark's teeth along the ocean, but I'd never seen a feather like this one before.  I picked it up and noticed it's end was shaped like the perfect quill.  "Lord," I prayed, "take this feather and write your will on the tablet of my heart.  I don't want to fight anymore... or weigh the cost... or worry about what's good for me...  I simply want to obey!  Help me to follow wherever that may lead!"
     I decided to take my beautiful feather home to remember my time with the Lord.  I rinsed it and packed in in my suitcase for the flight home the next day.  Later that night, while spending some time with a close friend who knew of my "dreams", she introduced me to a book entitled  "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson.  I picked up a copy on our way back to the hotel and tucked it into my carry-on bag for the long flight home.  
     We had barely taken off when I grabbed the book and started to read about a Nobody named "Ordinary" (because... well, he was ordinary).  He lived in the Land of Familiar with all of the other Nobodies.  Ordinary had big dreams... but Nobodies in the Land of Familiar didn't do big things!  One morning, however, Ordinary discovered a long white feather resting on the sill of his window.  The Dream Giver had left it there just for him and beckoned him to follow his dream! 
     There, packed in my suitcase, was my own beautiful white feather!!!...left by my Dream Giver to bid me to follow!  I sobbed like a baby that God would indeed "speak" to me in such a personal way!  Before we even landed in Houston I knew that I would indeed follow my God-given dreams to China!  Little did I know then, what a beautiful tapestry of redemption God had begun to weave in my life!

...a flower for Him

     I had a story to tell and God was beginning to give me more and more opportunities to tell it now that we were out of diapers, high chairs, and car seats and on to school every day.  I was finding myself again and I liked it!  My life-long dream of adopting a little girl from China was fading fast.  I decided that I'd waited too late for that and my selfishness over-ruled any thought of returning to those baby years again!  I loved my freedom, my romantic rendezvous with Doug, and my speaking ministry too much!  I would occasionally feel overwhelmed by sadness that I had not pursued my dreams of adoption and wondered if I had missed something special from the Lord in my relentless pursuit of "self"...
     Doug had a vasectomy several years earlier when we were convinced that we were done having home-grown babies.  I was keenly aware of my selfishness, and feared making such a "final" decision, so I begged God to "over-ride" our decision, should He have a different plan than ours. I'd left the adoption door wide open for the first few years, but now it seemed I was subconsciously closing that one too!
     You could have written a calendar based upon my female cycle during that time, so when I was days late and then those days turned into weeks, I didn't think that I needed a pregnancy test to confirm what I already knew!   I became more certain with every passing hour... we had been "over-ruled"!  There was only one way I could reconcile such an unexpected jolt to my plans.... If God was going to force me to go back, I'd dive in, go all the way and finally adopt from China too!  Doug agreed to my new plan and I actually began to feel some excitement creeping into my heart!.... until my cycle kicked back into high gear and I discovered that I wasn't pregnant after all.  I was embarrassed that I had assumed so much without any medical clarification.  
     Now I can see what I could not see then.  God used those weeks to begin awakening a dream He had planted in my heart when I was just a little girl!  In His love he would not let me miss His best for what I thought was better!
     As God would have it, I was in the middle of reading an old classic - "Hinds Feet on High Places" that very month.  The story centers on a young girl known as "Much-Afraid" because... well, she was much afraid of everything!  The good shepherd (representing Jesus) comes and invites her to travel with him to the "high places" where she can experience God in a way that she is not able to surrounded by nay-sayers and dream killers.  Along the way she and the good shepherd come to a hillside covered with beautiful little wild flowers.  
        
         "I have often wondered about the wild flowers," Much-Afraid said, "It does seem strange that such unnumbered multitudes should bloom in the wild places of the earth where perhaps nobody ever sees them and the goats and the cattle can walk over them and crush them to death.  They have so much beauty and sweetness to give and no one on whom to lavish it, nor who will even appreciate it."

          "Nothing my Father and I have made is ever wasted," the Shepherd said quietly, "and the little wild flowers have a wonderful lesson to teach.  They offer themselves so sweetly and confidently and willingly, even if it seems that there is no one to appreciate them.  Just as though they sang a joyous little song to themselves, that it is so happy to love, even though one is not loved in return."
           "I must tell you a great truth, Much-Afraid, which only the few understand.  All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at.  Every inner response of the human heart to Love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of Love."


     The Lord used those words from that old classic to speak deep into my heart!  He was plainly calling me to become like those little flowers... to give of myself for the pure joy of God's pleasure alone... to give myself to His plan, not my own...  to trust Him that sometimes His best work is done where no one else sees... to willingly die to my "self"!  
     God was not forcing me to go back!  Instead, He was gently bidding me to become like a flower on that hillside... to discover true love and it's redemption, far from the eyes of the world... and to display His beauty in way others might not even notice.  He would notice, though, and that was my heart's desire!

God's Story through me...

     I am writing just a few blocks from the very place God did a miracle in my heart in December 2003.  A redemption miracle that would change my life in more ways than the pages of this blog could contain.  Doug and I were here to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.  I had a strange sense that this milestone would mark the beginning of a very different season than I had expected and frankly, had looked forward to!...
     Life had become easy for me in many ways... My three children were growing up and were no longer underfoot 24/7.  As a stay-at-home mom, I suddenly had the days to myself while the kids were at school.  Should I go back to bed after I got them on the bus... sleep in, read, shop without distraction, work out at the gym or attend Bible Study with no worries that a nursery worker was going to pop her head in the door and pull me away?  I was free!!!  Doug and I met for long lunches several times a week or sometimes we'd stay home and enjoy romance that had always been confined to late night hours when the kids were safely tucked into bed!  (enough said....)   Such luxuries made me feel guilty some times... but most often I pushed those feelings aside and decided that I was entitled to these care-free days.  I'd paid my "dues" by putting my life on hold for over 11 years! 
     Honestly, my self esteem had taken a major hit in those 11 years... I never felt that I was the greatest mom in the world.  It's really all I had ever wanted to do, and I adored my children - but somewhere along the way, I'd lost touch with myself.  I began to wonder who I was and why God couldn't seem to use me for more than nose wiping, shoe tying, and sibling referee...  But, much to my surprise, I discovered in my new found freedom,  opportunities and a new passion to speak... to share my story.  These came to me in a most unwanted, unsought out way --
     When I was 17 years old, lying on the abortionist's table, I made a promise to myself that no one apart from Doug, would ever have to know what I was about to do.  When I got up from that table, got dressed, and walked out of that clinic, I pushed it all as deep into the crevices of my soul as I could.  This worked beautifully for many years and I mistakenly believed that I had triumphed over what would prove to be a devastating decision.  That decision became a haunting one after Doug and I married.  Thoughts of what I had done began to creep up in unexpected places and I found myself increasingly unable to push them back down.  Years later a friend compared such battles with pain to ping pong balls floating on the surface of my heart.  I try to keep them all submerged, and yet God relentlessly pops them back to the surface -- forcing me to finally "deal" with them.              
     Dealing with them, I had done... discovering a God of such forgiveness and grace that I could not have even imagined!  But speaking them was a different matter all together!  After all -- my pristine reputation was on the line... with my church friends; with my family; with my mom; and with my future children and grandchildren.  It made me physically ill to imagine what such "exposure" would mean!
     There are certain moments in life that you remember with absolute clarity... as if they'd happened just yesterday!   Every detail of the moment down to the pit of your stomach!  I'm not talking about national moments like Sept 11th or the challenger explosion.  The moments I'm referring to are clearer still, because they are those personal moments when God speaks so clearly to your heart, it is as if you've heard audible words from Him...
     I had one of those moments in March of 1991.  I was attending our church that Sunday morning that met at the old YMCA building in New Bern, N.C.  My infant daughter, Sarah, was just weeks old and I'd snuck out the side door, down the hallway and into a vacant classroom to nurse her.  I squeezed my post pregnant body into one of those old style school desks and propped her up on the desk  facing me.  I had developed a habit in just a few short weeks of staring at her... she was a beautiful picture of God's grace in my life--- the most undeserved gift this woman could ever hope for and I simply could not keep myself from staring in wonder at her again and again.  
     It was at that very moment that God barged in and interrupted my thoughts.... "Tell your story!  Tell our story!  Tell my story!"     Surely I had misunderstood!  But the words replayed in my head again and again, like a skipping record player - "Tell...Tell...Tell!"   I knew that it was the Lord's voice speaking, because with the most terrifying words I'd ever heard came peace!  And before I even knew what had happened, the same spirit that had spoken to my heart, gave it courage to respond!  Suddenly the fears of my broken reputation slipped away!  My reputation was of no account!  It was God's reputation I was called to lift high... not my own!!!  In portraying myself to be someone I was not, I sought to make myself look good.  In being "real",  I might look bad, but in contrast, God is shown to be the incredibly good God He is!  I would tell!!!
     I went home and actually wrote it down!  All of it --- my failed attempts at perfection, my sin and it's cover up, my silence and self protection... and Jesus blood that covered it ALL!  In finally writing it down and reading it back to myself, I realized that the story was actually so little about me and so much about Jesus!  I was finally free to be "real"... because of Him!   
     Don't misunderstand me in thinking that my "God" moment made my story somehow easy to tell.  I had a lump in my throat, my heart was pounding, and my hands were shaking when I handed a copy of it to my pastor the next Sunday.  I have no idea today where the original copy of my story is and that pastor might now even remember it, but it was my first step... and it was a big one!
     That was almost 20 years ago and I can't even count how many times it's been retold since then!  First to strangers, then to friends, then in front of a video camera to be reproduced a few thousand times, then to large gatherings of mothers... and, yes, even to my own mother and now to that little girl I was staring at all those years ago...  Even as I type now, I wonder how I feel about pressing the "publish post" button and sending it out into the cyber world for who knows how many to read!!!  But in the end.... It's God's story!  My God --- who can do immeasurably more than all I could ask or think!  To Him be the Glory!

"Unexpectantly" Expectant...

     My baby boy isn't a baby anymore!  I'm packing his stuff for college and wondering where the 18 years went?  I remember the night I discovered that I was “unexpectantly” expectant with him!  A close friend was visiting and we did our pregnancy tests at the same time.  Neither of us got the results we thought we wanted.  OK, I decided…. I can do this… as long as it’s another girl!  My mothering experience had convinced me that a boy = hard and a girl = easy! “Easy” was just about all I thought I could handle at the time!  I’d have to hold my breath until the 16 week ultrasound.  Forget the sweet surprise of delivery!  If I was carrying a boy, I’d need the rest of the pregnancy to prepare for the “hard” path I’d envisioned ahead. 

You already know what the ultrasound found.  I cried like a little baby!  I look back now and am embarrassed by my absolute lack of faith.  I was a twenty-something year old mom who was convinced that I knew what was best for ME!  It was the first of many lessons in how much better God’s best is than my own!  William Ryan McCary has proven since the day he was born that little boys are one of the sweetest gifts the Lord can give a Mommy like me!  Anyone that knows me, knows what a tender place in my heart Ryan holds.  My world wouldn’t be the same without him, and I am so very grateful that the Lord doesn’t always give me exactly what I think I want, so that He can give me His very best instead!

"It's a girl!"

     Three words that would forever change the world... at least mine!  "It's a girl!"  I'd imagined at least a million times what those three words would sound like to a heart so packed with little girl dreams, I could hardly contain them...  Labor was fast and furious and I didn't even have time for the epidural I'd planned to "enjoy" this occasion!  I remember small snippets of it all... the painful contractions that I'd obviously forgotten about somewhere between #1 and #2... comments between Doug and my best friend/ photographer ("Do you think she's in transition?")... being told that I was crazy when I said that I thought I needed to push now...  hearing myself scream for the doctor when I realized there was no one there to catch the baby I was now "in-voluntarily" pushing out...  rejoicing when the doctor showed up in a suit and tie- straight from church... It's all kind of a blur!

     But time stood still on February 3, 1991 at 12:44 PM in New Bern, North Carolina when Dr Hahn finally uttered the three words I'd dreamed of my entire life... "IT'S A GIRL!"   Doug actually saw "it" before I did!  (How did he manage being first to know this too?)  She was delicate and beautiful,... perfectly "pink" and she was MINE!  And I was right!  The world has never been the same since Sarah Elizabeth McCary came into it!

     Late that night I found it impossible to sleep!  I simply couldn't bear to take me eyes off of her!  I pulled her little glass bassinet as close to the edge of my bed as I could possibly get it... and I stared at her!  I'd been waiting for this moment for so long!  Now, in my quiet hospital room, long after everyone else had gone to sleep, I was memorizing every little crook and curve of my precious baby's body, the curl of her ear and her soft, blonde hair, every single finger, and every single toe, her fingernails, and her rose petal lips... she was perfect!  And as I memorized everything about her.... I prayed.  I wept with deep gratefulness the emotions that words could not possibly express and I gave the Lord this beautiful, incredible gift back!...to be molded by Him and to be used by Him for his glory!   And then, strangely, I prayed for something I hadn't really thought of before... I asked the Lord to give her a beautiful voice that she could glorify HIM with...   The Lord has answered those prayers in so many wonderful ways!

     My "baby girl" is now 20 years old!  She's brought such absolute joy to so many of my days and has been a special friend through difficult times...  and now... she lives in Nashville, Tennessee where she writes and sings songs to proclaim God's glorious Truth!  The Lord is faithful and hears the cry of our hearts for our children!   ( Proof of this beautiful answered prayer can be found at www.sarahmccary.com ! )

    Truly daughters are one of God's most special gifts and I am so grateful that He shared such a treasure with ME!!!


"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of Him.  So I have also dedicated her to the Lord; as long as she lives she is dedicated to the Lord."   
  1 Samuel 1: 27-28