Mountain Moving...

"Without faith it is impossible to please God"

Hebrews 11:6

Have you ever really thought about that?  How many times have you and I tried to please God with something other than faith?  And yet, that faith only comes to us through a gift of His grace!  “For it is by GRACE you are saved, through FAITH, and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast.”

Wait a minute.  If I believe that, (and I most certainly DO!) then that means that I am helpless to even produce that which pleases God the most!  It is a gift He must give me!  It is in focusing that gift upon HIM that I am able to please Him.  A gift given that He intends to be given back to Him for His glory!  I think I’m finally on to something!!!

I want to please God!  More than anything in my human existence, I want to please Him!  The Apostle Paul said that it was his life's ambition to please God, in much the same way slaves were passionate to please their masters.  I want pleasing God to be the ambition of my life too!   I decided it was time to start digging around in Scripture to find out exactly how to do that!  I didn't have to dig much, because it took only one verse to make God's point of view clear....  "For without FAITH it is impossible to please God."   Ahhh!  FAITH!  But how to have faith.... that is another matter all together!

I am like the man who came to Jesus begging for his son, possessed by a spirit, to be healed, after attempts by His disciples had failed to free him.  "But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!"  And Jesus said to him, "'If You can?'  ALL things are possible to him who believes!"  Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief!"    The man’s response was so beautifully honest in admitting his fallible faith, mixed as it was with doubt.  He pleaded with Jesus to help him to have the greater faith the Lord demanded of him.... "Take what little I have and give me more!"  

I understand that man!  My heart echoes his words to Jesus...  "I believe, Lord!  I really WANT to!  And I know in my heart of hearts that You are able!"  But that’s where my faith hits a snag!  "You are able to do whatever I ask…. But WILL you?" 

If you finish this beautiful story you discover that Jesus did, indeed, heal that man’s son… And with the healing of his son, surely his faith increased by leaps and bounds!  I wish the storyline continued and I could follow that father home.  Can you imagine the scene when he returned home to the boy's mother and presented their son to her whole and well?  How many times did he tell of the Savior that was able to do the impossible?  Can we assume that the father in this story had a bedrock faith that never faltered from that day forward?  Probably not.  Not if he is anything like me, anyway!

I’ve had more “faith” moments like his than I can count!   And yet, some days my memories of God's faithfulness grow dim and I begin to question if the impossible is really possible again.  "I KNOW you can, Lord…. But WILL you?"

Like just a few weeks ago, when I exercised more faith than usual that God would speak to my husband’s heart about Abby, the way He had to mine.  And He DID!  Why then, would I stumble in my faith only a few weeks later?  There is a mountain called m-o-n-e-y that stands between me and my new daughter….  I hate that mountain!  I’m all too familiar with it… and I’ve yet to call it my friend!  How many times will God have to remove such a mountain to convince me that He is willing and sufficiently ABLE to do it?  How many times will I struggle to believe that when God calls you to do something (anything) for Him, He supplies everything you need to accomplish it?

“I believe, Lord.  Help my unbelief!” 

Just last week my family spent time in the home of a precious friend that I came to know when standing in front of a mountain exactly like the one I’m facing now!  She was just a stranger then!  She saw a photo on a restaurant table as we prayed over it, asking for God’s provision to bring another daughter home from China.  God moved in her heart and then in her husband’s heart and within 8 hours that mountain was removed and God had provided every dime we needed to bring our Ellie home!  I still can’t remember all the miraculous ways God removed the same mountain for the adoptions of Kate and Rachel.  Those mountains weren't removed immediately like Ellie’s had been, but bit by bit and sometimes just in the nick of time… and yet removed by HIS hand, just the same!  When I remember those days and the miraculous ways God provided for every single need, my faith is bolstered.  I know that I am not strong enough.  But He is!  How many times will He have to prove Himself until I’m surer than sure???  I stand without excuse in my unbelief. 

God knows…  He is tender in showing us in our fallible flesh how to stand strong in faith.  Through out the Bible, whenever the Lord displayed His incredible faithfulness to His people, He directed them to do the same thing again and again…  “Build an alter!”  And He told them why! ...This was to remind them in their moments of weakness, that He was always faithful, and to tell the generations to come of His faithfulness when they felt tempted to succumb to those same weaknesses!    Build an alter of remembrance….  Ahhh!  Faith through remembrance!   How many alters could have been built throughout the ages based upon God’s incredible faithfulness?  Had I laid a stone on my alter of remembrance for every time God was faithful, it would be taller than any mountain that stands in front of me today!!!

I have plenty of stones to lay!  It’s time I get started!  But for the sake of space on this simple blog, I'll just lay the really BIG stones tonight!  The others are just too many to count.  God's faithfulness overflows.... 

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I’ve made some rotten choices in my life.  I won’t go into the yucky details here, so if you want them, you'll have to go back to the very beginning of my blog.   But God displayed His FAITHFUL GRACE to me through the birth of my first son 25 years ago…. I’ll happily lay that stone at the base of my alter.

This is Russ with our precious daughter-in-love, Stephanie

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Then the little girl of my dreams was born.  God has been so FAITHFUL to give me even the deep desires of my heart when I am so undeserving…

Sarah is married and lives in Franklin, Tennessee
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Then the little boy that I so desperately wanted to be a girl…  I’m so grateful that God FAITHFULLY gives us His best in spite of our human desires.   Let me tell you...  There is not a little girl on this planet I could have loved more than I loved this baby boy of mine!  God is so good!!!

Our home is just not the same since Ryan left for college!

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Somewhere in between those years, God gave new life to my marriage.  Thank you, my FAITHFUL Lord!...

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And then, when I thought I was done, His FAITHFULNESS was on full display in the miracle of my “Dream Flower” - Kate…

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Ellie was a gift of JOY to our family.  God’s FAITHFUL provision to bring her home was a miracle we will never forget…

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Ahhh… a stone with the word HOPE written upon it!  Rachel’s unexpected life brings new meaning to the word hope when no one gave her any!  Our God FAITHFULLY doing the impossible!...

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Doug said we were “done”… But God, through FAITH, spoke to his heart and told him that we were NOT!  Now Abby waits in China for her new family (ours!!!) to come take her home…

Abigail Faith McCary ~ "Abby"

Have you started building your alter yet?  If you’re a child of God, you’ve got plenty of stones too, you know!  Maybe your husband hasn’t been faithful, or your friends and family… but God HAS!  I’m sure of that!  You’ve got some work to do!

In remembering and kneeling before the alter of God's faithfulness I've built here, I feel strengthened…. More sure than ever that God will never abandon me or leave me in the cold to fend for myself.  He IS able!  He WILL provide!

I've always been struck by how much it pleased God when King Solomon asked Him for wisdom.  I suppose he needed much of it to lead the Isrealite nation.  God, of course, answered by bestowing greater wisdom on Solomon than the world had ever seen or ever would.  But can we assume based upon His Words in Hebrews 11:6 that He would be even more pleased when we come to Him and ask  for greater FAITH?  I think so! 

But I’ll be honest – I’m scared to ask for faith sometimes!  Because when I do, I can almost bet that it will only come as God stands me before bigger and bigger mountains through which He can show Himself FAITHFUL.  Another stone for my alter!  Because when FAITH wins, God gets the glory!  But without a mountain to remove or a mere mole hill for me to climb over myself, I will likely try to take some of the credit for getting over it!  Or I’ll give the credit to someone else, when FAITH says that God can do it ALONE!  It saddens me that I must come to the absolute, desperate end of myself, before I cry out for the faith to believe that He alone can do all things….

Surely faith so slow to come is not the most pleasing of all to the Lord. I'm honestly tired of living a life with small faith.  If pleasing God really is my ambition, then I simply refuse to allow myself to slip into my old ways of small thinking when a giant alter has been built in my heart to remember His faithfulness over our many years together!  

You know the story of the healing of that man's son that I wrote of earlier? It didn't end there!  Afterward the disciples gathered around Jesus and riddled Him with questions.  They just couldn't understand why they had been unable to cast the demons from the boy, as they had been at other times in their ministries...  Christ's explanation for their failure was that their faith was deficient.  They obviously didn't lack the confidence, since they seemed surprised that the demon had not been removed.  Maybe the problem was in a failure to make God- rather than their own gifts- the object of their confidence.  True faith, by Christ's definition, always involves surrender to the will of God!  

Jesus told his disciples... "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustad seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you."  How slow I am to understand!  But I'm finally getting it!  Jesus was saying that both the source and the object of all genuine FAITH--- even the weakest, mustand-seed faith--- is GOD!  And "nothing will be impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)  When I ask in FAITH for God's will to be done... the impossible is made possible!!!

So I've decided, based upon God's promises to me, that I will speak to the mountain standing before me today, the way Jesus said I could with FAITH… “Be moved!” and then watch with wonder as my FAITHFUL God moves it!!!     

How it thrills my heart to know the treasures awaiting me on the other side of this impossibly huge mountain!  Her name is Abigail Faith. (Don’t you think her middle name is most appropriate?)  God will move mountains to show this precious child His great love for her and at the same time bless me and those I love beyond measure!  Then I can lay another beautiful stone on my alter of remembrance and thank God for His incredible FAITHFULNESS once again!

“Oh Lord, I do believe!  Help my unbelief!”

Beauty in brokenness...

Recently, in the news, I've been struck by two stories that could not be more different if they tried...  One, of a young boy with Down Syndrome, who had visited a restaurant in Houston, TX with his parents.  While they dined, the gentlemen at the next table was apparently bothered by the sheer presence of this little boy's disability.  He asked to be relocated to a different table, and then exposed the absolute callousness of his heart when he told the waiter that, "Special needs children need to be special somewhere else".  The waiter, in a single moment, was raised to hero status by much of America, when he refused to serve anyone so cold hearted and unkind.  Bravo!  Someone chose the side of the defenseless and stood up on their behalf!

Only a few weeks later a video began to circulate on the internet of another story.  This one included a special needs young man as well, but it was filled to overflowing with wonderful, kind-hearted, everyday heroes that did what was right and good on behalf of that young man...   Once again, all of America that witnessed the video stood to their feet, wiped a tear, and applauded the heroes of the story!    

Here it is...

I could watch it again and again and it warms me to the core every single time!  Why?  I think it's because deep inside all of us, especially those of us who follow Jesus, we know that every single human being has intrinsic value!  Like the perfect T-shirt precocious children wear that says "God don't make no junk!!!"  We know this, but do we really believe it?  If you could put each one of us on a movie screen and play a clip or two of our lives and our absolute indifference to the "least of these", most of us so called Christians would be embarrassed.  Sure- I love the orphan, even those with disabilities.... just don't call me to do anything uncomfortable or costly about it!

In many areas of the world, to be an orphan is a curse.  But to be a disabled orphan is worse still.  Many believe that a disability of any kind is evidence of an evil spirit or a terrible jinx that will bring bad luck to you, your family, or your business.  And if that disability is a mental one, these precious human beings become the most unwanted of the unwanted.  A flawed human being is an outcast.  Discarded on the streets or hidden away in an institution far from the public eye.  Out of sight- out of mind....  It is as if they don't even exist!   Orphans like these are destined to serve a life sentence in mental institutions.  It was only recently that any of these children were even put up for adoption, because they were tagged at birth - "Unwanted... Unadoptable"  Really?  Who has been given the right to decide the worth of another human being?  Certainly not one of us!!!  Surely this breaks the heart of God!  Why don't I care?  Why don't you?  

I can remember many trips to Russian orphanages- hidden away deep in the country, far from civilization, filled with children who had been all but forgotten.  Unwanted.  I'll never forget the absolute silence on our bus as we pulled away from one of those orphanages following a wonderful day of gifts, and hugs, and stories of God's love.  The children ran as fast as their legs could carry them... after our bus!  Their eyes pleaded with mine!  "Please!  Take me away from this horror of nothingness!  You told me of Jesus and how He loves the children, but now you're driving away.  How are His stories to mean anything to me, if not through YOU!"

Years later I would find myself in an orphanage in another part of the world where my daughter spent the first 14 months of her life.  We had to get a special invitation from the director to visit, and he had granted it.  But we had been sternly warned that no videos or photos were to be taken inside.  What was inside those four walls that they obviously wanted to hide from the eyes of the world?  I got an idea as we entered the building and saw a hallway closed off by a green curtain pulled shut, keeping us from seeing the horrors that were behind.  Everything in me wanted to run through the curtains and scoop up a child, any child, and tell them that they were valuable, lovable, and precious in the sight of God.  I resisted the urge and kept a polite distance, but as I walked by I saw two little hands stretch through the center of the drawn curtains, as if reaching out for a chance at life...  And in the deafening silence I could hear the precious child's words, though they were not audible...  "Choose ME!"  Those "hidden" children haunt me.  If there is the least of "the least of these"... these children would qualify!

Our precious Ellie was born without a left hand.  Perfect in every way and one of the sweetest, most tenderhearted human beings you will ever meet!  Chinese onlookers would "oow" and "ahh" at our "lucky baby", as they called her, since she had been chosen to go home to America!  But then you could literally watch their entire demeanors change when they suddenly noticed her left arm, with a stub of a hand and tiny nubs of fingers attached.  Most would begin to point and whisper.  They would look from Ellie's hand to me, as if wondering who would actually "choose" this unwanted, broken child.  Several old ladies came close to the stroller and spit in her direction as they walked away in disgust.

Then just a year and a half ago, we took the biggest leap of faith of our lives, and returned to China for a 7 year old girl that was considered "terminal".  She would need a miracle to live.  What fool would actually "choose" such a child?  The Chinese looked upon us with pity.  What an incredible loss was theirs!  Little did they know that one of the sweetest treasures they would likely ever meet, had just boarded a plane for a home far away, where everyone that met her found her to be of immeasurable worth!  Her sweet spirit of joy and hope permeate every inch of space her body inhabits!  Unwanted?  Never!!!

Phew!  I've done my part in reaching out to "the least of these", right Lord?  But before I can even finish my question, I hear His gentle answer...  "Oh, Lori,... you have only begun to scratch the surface! Come ~  Let's draw back those curtains and look at what lies behind.  Let's consider what awaits those who will never be chosen.  Those who will never know the love of parents because of their brokenness."  Had they been conceived by American parents, the children with Down Syndrome and other debilitating diseases, would have been aborted before having the opportunity to take a single breath.  But these were born and then their brokenness was discovered.  Now they have been discarded.  Now they have been hidden away in obscurity, while the world moves on as if they don't exist.

As I've drawn nearer and nearer to the Lord in these past few months and years, my heart has become broken for so many of the things I have successfully ignored for most of my life.

A friend called and shared her disappointing news... the child she was carrying wasn't as "perfect" as they had hoped.  It had been diagnosed with Down Syndrome.  She could terminate the pregnancy if she chose to.  Who would blame her?  Statistics show that about 90% of Americans receiving the same news today wouldn't blame her!  They would choose abortion for their disabled, unwanted child.  But this wasn't an option for this God-loving friend.  She believes that every life has value!  Even those that appear broken at first glance!  I sought for ways to encourage her heart...  "This child will be such a blessing!" I told her.  "Think of how wonderful this will be for your other children!"  It seemed, in thinking about it, that learning to love a child different from themselves would have beautiful results in their own lives and in the life of their family!  The more I considered the child she carried in her womb, the more I could suddenly see it's absolute value to a world which has such high esteem for perfection.  You know them... How many times have you heard it?  "I don't care whether I have a girl or a boy, as long as..... it's healthy!"   But what if it's not???  Then you WILL care?  Then you will.... what???

And then suddenly, like a flood, I saw them everywhere!!!  Incredibly beautiful, broken people.  A young man two rows in front of me in church... singing and raising his hands to the God he loved.  He moved me!  Why can't I worship God with such abandon and not worry about what the people around me might think?  I decided in watching him that there is incredible beauty in brokenness!!  That same young man had the job of greeting me and the other worshippers as we entered the sanctuary that day.  He made me feel special.  He seemed genuinely happy that I was there!  Nobody else seemed to care that much.  Who exactly is "broken" here?

Only days later, I came into contact with a family that had actually chosen to parent several children with Down Syndrome.  They spent thousands and thousands of dollars, and willingly sacrificed a life of "freedom" to make them their own!  They saw a beautiful treasure where the world saw brokenness.  Somehow they saw what God sees.... Beauty in brokenness.  I felt jealous of the blessings that obviously overflowed into their lives because they were willing to embrace what others have discarded.

I can't even remember now, but through a series of events that piled one on top of the other, I was on the phone with an adoptive mother of a precious DS girl from China.  (That's you, Sally!) The joy oozed through the telephone line...  beauty in brokenness!  I was suddenly struck by the many ways I have always longed for perfection and in so doing, missed beauty.

For the first time in my 48 years, God gave me eyes to finally see...  And with my eyes now opened I could see such beauty everywhere!  I would advocate for these precious, hidden treasures who needed hope... Their faces and stories found their way deep into my heart and then onto the front of my refrigerator where we would pray for them as a family each night....

Precious Laine has Down Syndrome and is 11 years old.  In 3 years she will likely be placed in a mental institution for the rest of her lifetime.  Does anyone care?

This is Zoe-  She has Down Syndrome too - Isn't she precious?  She desperately needs a family to love her and give her hope for a future beyond an institution.

Beautiful Bailey is 10 years old.  She has cognitive delays and low muscle tone in her arms.  The word "retarded" on her file will keep almost every single family searching for a daughter away.  I think she has immeasurable value... don't you?

11 year old Emily has Williams Syndrome...  She longs for a family!   People with WS are considered the kindest, most loving of God's creation.  A mistake?  No way!  We need more Emily's in our broken world.  Can't you see the beauty deep inside?
 

God was doing a deep, deep work in my heart.  I was literally losing sleep as I tried to hear His whispers to me...  That's when my heart exploded with the words you read in my post "This is my offering"  not long ago.  I knew that God was tilling up soil that had been untouched before now...  Can I admit that it scared the pajookie out of me?  But I wanted to be near Him, and this is where I continued to find Him day after day...   

Somehow (Well... I guess you know what "somehow" means by now!!!)  I stumbled across a blog containing the story of a precious little girl in China.  Surprised?  :-) She was a 7 year old girl with Down Syndrome who had been miraculously plucked from an orphanage at 28 months and fostered by an American gal who deeply loved her and taught her about the God I love.  Tragedy struck in a nearby foster home and the government was demanding that all foster children be returned to their orphanages.  This meant that this precious little one, named Abigail, would be forced to leave the only mother she knew and become lost in a sea of unwanted children instead.  But after only a week away from her home, the orphanage miraculously gave her foster mother permission to take her back!  They demanded that she do everything possible to either adopt the girl herself, or help find the child an adoptive family quickly.  Because she believed that the best for Abigail would be a forever Mommy and Daddy, she began to advocate through friends and family in America.  That's how I happened upon this precious angel...

My heart felt as if it skipped a beat the moment I laid eyes on this treasure~  I was almost certain that I was looking at the little girl God intended to be MINE!  But I'd made a promise that I would no longer beg, plead, or manipulate my precious husband for more children.  I believe that God can speak directly to his heart about the matter without my help!  (Though I admit I haven't tried it often!) It took incredible self control to keep a seal on my lips.  Faith would bring this child home, not my power of persuasion.   Her story and photo would join the others on my refrigerator for our nightly prayers around the table.  Just seeing her there each time I opened and shut that door, deepened my conviction that she was mine.  It's a weird thing... and beyond words to explain it, because my heart breaks and yearns for a family for every single face on that fridge and the millions like them that won't fit there.  But something different and even deeper still happened in my soul in response to this little angel.  So I prayed... and I prayed... and I prayed.  Have I told you how much I prayed yet?  I would wake in the night and whisper her name to the Lord again.  I awoke to prayers for her and fell asleep speaking of her.  How was the fact that she was our daughter not blatantly obvious to my dear husband?  

And yet I could see the heart inside my man beginning to soften.  There was a new skip in my step, as I sensed God's stirring.  Maybe my heart hadn't deceived me.  Maybe she really was mine!!!  I mean, let's be real (since that IS my calling card!)  A sane woman doesn't just wake up one morning and decide that she wants to mother a child with Down Syndrome.  Key word?  WANTS!  I had to literally pinch myself and do reality checks on an hourly basis!  What are you talking about, Lori McCary?  Have you lost your mind?  It is in these special conversations with myself, that I get a sneaking suspicion that God is up to something.  Crazy, self-denying, life-changing ideas typically have His name written all over them!  I decided this time was NO exception!  But I knew if it was God's crazy ideas at work in my heart, He would have to be doing the same in Doug's heart too!  After all.... this is NOT something I could do alone!

Doug was headed out of town last Thursday to go and preach at a church we attended in Texas.  Sermon title?  "How Big is Your God?"  Hmmmmm....  pretty BIG, I'd say!!!   He asked me to ride with him alone to dinner at our favorite restaurant.  He obviously had something on his mind!  We'd hardly pulled out of the driveway before he began what was obviously a "prepared" comment....  "Lori, I KNOW what God is doing in your heart for these precious kids.... in particular, I KNOW how you feel about Abby!" (Surely it wasn't THAT obvious, you think???)  "But I need to hear it straight from the Lord!  So I have prayed.  I have sought the counsel of my ministry board.  I have asked my entire men's bible study to pray for me about this.  I have searched the Bible and asked God to speak clearly to me."  (I stared straight ahead and can still see the exact place in the pavement our car was at that precise second...  I tried to cushion my heart for the blow I felt was coming...  I told myself that I could cry later, when I was alone...)   "God has made it perfectly clear...."  He continued, (insert a crack in his voice and tears welling up in his eyes as he finished his statement)  "....that we are to adopt again.  ABBY IS OUR DAUGHTER!!!"

WHAT???  Surely my ears have deceived me!!!  He did NOT just say what I think he said!  In the fog of the joy-filled, "I can't believe this is happening!", state of shock I was in, I could hardly hear the rest of what he said...  What I did hear, was the incredible emotion he felt each time he said the name of our precious, new daughter, Abby!!!  Somewhere in the midst of my shock, I turned to him and asked one of the dumbest questions of the century....  "Are you scared?"   He didn't hesitate!  "Out of my mind!!!"  We laughed together at the absurdity of God.  "Me too!"  I conceded...  Thus, another walk of faith had begun.  One foot in front of the other, in spite of our fear!  Right foot... Left foot... Right foot...

So without further a-due'....  Let me introduce our precious new daughter to you!  Her name will be Abigail Faith McCary, but we will call her ABBY!

Calm down my Gator friends!  We'll straighten this out when she get's home!

It is incredibly evident that God's hand has been on this precious child since her birth.  She was literally "rescued" from the orphanage by an American foster mother at the age of 28 months, so malnourished and weak, she couldn't even sit up.  She needed open heart surgery for a congenital heart defect, abdominal surgery for an intestinal problem, she needed help to be all she could be in spite of her extra chromosome.  But most of all she needed LOVE... She needed to be wanted...  She needed to know that she was a human being with value!  Through this incredible young woman who had moved to China to simply teach English, Abby got all of that and MORE!  And now in response to the prayers of that selfless foster mother and so many others,... Abby will soon come home to a forever family that will adore her and in so doing, find incredible beauty in brokenness!

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(God has sent many sweet friends and family to love Abby during these years.  That means that there are photos and videos galore of this precious angel!  Heaven for this "waiting" Mom!  Here's a few of my favorites!)

We'll end with this one, but don't worry!  There's more to come!!!

Flip a coin for LOVE!

Doug and I are celebrating a special "Gotcha Day" today!  But not the kind you might imagine.  This is an "all because two people fell in love..." kind of Gotcha Day!!!  Because this day, March 3rd, 32 years ago, began what would be a beautiful love story, the "once upon a time" moment that made every special moment since, possible!

He was much older than I was.  I was just a baby, according to his 19 year old self, because asking me out on a date would clearly have him accused by his peers of robbing the cradle....  Whatever!  It's a good thing he decided I was cute before he found out how old I was!  Rumor has it that he liked the way I picked up a baseball bat...  Again, Whatever!

I guess that comment won't make much sense to you, until I tell you that I was a "bat girl" for my high school baseball team.  And though it sounds like I landed a role in the movie as Batman's girl, I can assure you that this particular role was far, far better!!!  Being a "bat girl" meant that the entire varsity baseball team voted for ME to pick up their bats after they were slung into the dirt and the player was headed toward 1st base.  Do you have any idea what an incredible privilege this was to my 16 year old, sophomore self???  Forget equal rights!  You hit the ball and I'll pick up your bat...  Because it also means that I get to travel on the bus to every single away game with the best looking junior and senior boys from my school, eat out with them on the way to the game, and then do it all again on the way back home.  I was privy to their jokes and laughter and all the flirting I could handle!  What a deal for a very single, "looking for love" kind of girl like me!

Our high school baseball coach was considered one of the best in the state, and happened to be Doug's all-time favorite!  He played for him every summer and had even begged his mom and dad to let him attend school where he coached.  If they had agreed, I might have met Doug years earlier.  But I would have only been in junior high, so never mind,..  I don't think that would have worked!  By the time Doug laid eyes on me for the very first time, I was highly skilled in running from the dugout to pick up bats and then returning to my position right next to the fence to wait for the next one.  And who should be standing on the other side of that fence that fateful night of March 3, 1981?  Why... Doug McCary, of course!!!

Being the friendly guy (and flirt) he was, he struck up conversation with me.  I was flattered that an "older guy" such as he, would even want to talk to ME!  His best friend, "Booby", was with him too!  Hmmmm... 2 cute college boys in one night was almost more than I could stand!!!  But then a victory against one of the best teams in the state was pulled off and I joined my jubilant team"mates", almost forgetting about the two hunks I'd just met at the fence.

Word has it that Doug did NOT forget about me, however, and I became quite the conversation in his college classroom the next day.  Doug was apparently deeply disappointed when he discovered that I was a mere 16 years old sophomore "child".  What was he to do???  He was too embarrassed to admit that he was secretly dreaming of taking me out on a date, UNTIL Booby said that HE was going to ask me out!  The competition between best friends for who could rob the cradle first began!  Finally, a clear-headed friend stepped in with some age-old wisdom for the two of them.  "Flip a coin!" he said, "The loser agrees to leave her alone!"

So they did!!!!   My entire future staked on the flip of a coin!!  Are you kidding me?  You would have walked away, Doug McCary???  Say it isn't so!!!   Thankfully he didn't have to, because he WON the toss and in so doing, HE WON ME!

In that single flip of a coin, my world would be changed forever!  Doug and I would fall in love, get married, and begin a journey that would include countless moves across the US and a ministry that would take us to the ends of the earth together.  God would bless us with 6 incredible treasures to parent and share our lives with....  We would walk through valley's so deep we thought we couldn't pull through and to mountain tops where we would celebrate life's greatest victories together.  And the best part?  32 years later, we are more deeply in love than we have ever been!

Flip a coin for LOVE?  You bet!!!  And I'm so glad he did!!!






Thank you, Lord, that...  "The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the Lord."

And all because two people fell in love....

This is my offering...

Not the 10% tithe for the offering plate on Sunday.  Not the extras I give to overseas missions so that the world might hear of Christ.  Not the money I'd willingly share to bring another orphan home.  Not even the "first fruits" or the unblemished sacrifices.

It's all those things, but so much more!  MY LIFE is my offering!  

Every single breath; every thought taken captive; every whisper of prayer; every death to self; every service in His name; every kind word spoken; every ounce of self-will submitted to God's will; every step of faith; every gift to the "least of these"- to the needy and the broken; every part of me poured out onto the alter of God....  my offering!

I have only one life to live ~  I can live it for me, or I can live it as an offering to Him!

I've been reading through the book of Leviticus lately and am struck by the endless offerings required by God from His people.  It all seems grueling and tedious...  Why, Lord, do you give to your people, only to ask for it back in the form of endless offerings?  Why not keep the best for yourself and give us the leftovers to start with?  And since it's all yours anyway, why demand anything back from us?  Our hands will surely make a mess of it, or worse yet, fall to the temptation to keep it all for ourselves in the end...    

I've had enough Sunday School lessons and sermons to know the obvious answer...  It is to keep us ever mindful of our dependance on God for all things.  To respond with a grateful heart.  To keep Him first in our hearts and to not allow ourselves to become "polluted by the world" (James 1:27b)  But today, as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, I saw it!!!!  Every single gift that flows from God's hands into my life is intended to be returned to Him as MY offering...

I have a choice to make...  I can squander His gifts.  I can spend His gifts on myself.  I can abuse them and discard them.  Or I can make them the "investment" of my life and return them to Him as a multiplied, beautiful offering.  And suddenly this truth shines so brightly I can hardly miss it.... This was His intention all along!

He gave me life to glorify Him.  Period.  That means that every single gift given to these human hands is meant to be returned to Him for His glory.  I have no offering, no ability to glorify Him without His first giving.  I've been living with myself long enough to know that anything produced in my own strength is nowhere near the glory He deserves.  He said it plainly in His Word...  "Without me you can do nothing!"

My offering is dependent on His gift.  Maybe that's why He said that "to those whom much has been given, much is required!"  The more He gives to faithful hands, the greater the return for His glory.  I want to be found trustworthy with His gifts, so that He might entrust me with more and more.  Then I pray for the strength to multiply gift upon gift for His Kingdom.

Some days I feel too full, at the end of my rope, "done", weary...  I feel too weak to present an offering to God.  I've already given,... thanks!  I'd honestly like the gifts to keep flowing, but I'm at the bottom of the barrel for anything to give back.   What an embarassing admittion in light of all He's given!

Deep inside I want MORE!  Remember that "skidding into heaven completely empty" thing I was talking about recently?  That's what I really want!  Yes ~ a life dedicated to taking everything He gives, using it for His glory, and returning it as a sweet offering that is pleasing in His sight.  Because, when my days are through, I can take absolutely nothing with me.  I will stand before Him and my life will be judged in proportion to the gifts I was given.  I won't stand next to Billy Graham, Hudson Taylor, or even Doug McCary, and be forced to give an account for what they did with God's gifts. God will hold me solely accountable for what I did with what He gave. Period.

I'm certain this is why Jesus commended the poor widow who gave a pittance compared to the religious leaders around her.  He said that she gave all she had, while the others gave out of their abundance... keeping most for themselves and sacrificing little.  There it is!!!  And it's been there all along!  God wants all of me!  Not 10%, not a little extra, or a little more... but ALL of me!

I have a pet peeve about something, and I think this would be the perfect place to share it!  I have this "thing" for returning possessions loaned to me back to their owners in better condition than when I received them...   It's my way of showing a grateful heart for their generosity.  If you share something with me that has the least bit of dirt, spot, or wrinkle - I will return it to you sparkling clean and in better condition than you saw it last.  In so doing, I am saying "thank you"!

I have heard too many stories of missionaries or ministers who have the all-time worst reputation for not doing this, and the generous gift givers feel used and unappreciated!  So I've become hyper-vigilant to never let this be the case with me!  I will clean a borrowed condo from top to bottom and vacuum my way out the door, so that the owner will return to my pleasant surprise!  I've even spent hours with my children on our knees, spot cleaning dirty carpet stains that had been left there long before we arrived as a "poor woman's" way to say thanks!

I am suddenly aware of my need to treat God's gifts in the same way!  Wouldn't it be a beautiful way to say thanks to the God who gave it all?  To receive a gift from His hands, and say..."Lord, I will return this as a sacrifice and an offering to you!!!"  I will pour my heart out to return His gifts well loved, well cared for, and multiplied as a good steward...

The gift of my husband ~ loved, respected, supported, cared for, encouraged ...my offering.

The gift of my home ~ warm and inviting, a place of rest, a place of love, open to friends and strangers alike, a gift to be shared  ...my offering.

Our money ~ held loosely, spent wisely, shared freely, invested in eternity ...my offering.

The gift of friendship ~ Christ honoring, encouraging, exhorting to godliness, sweet laughter ...my offering.

The children given to me through birth ~ dedicated to the Lord, loved, trained in righteousness, loved, disciplined in godliness, loved, taught the Word, loved, modeled a deep love for Jesus ...my offering.

And what a beautiful picture when applied to the broken children He has entrusted into my care ~ to love them as the precious treasures they are and to lead them to Jesus.  I have found profound joy in pouring myself into these beautiful gifts from my gracious God!  They have been a sweet sacrifice ...my offering.

The gift of "time" ~ spent on pursuing Christ in all things, honoring the Lord in all I do, redeeming every moment for His glory ...my offering.

This blog and my love for "words" ~ centered on Christ and glorifying to Him. Always. ...my offering.

Yes, even the gifts of heartbreak and pain ~ a chance to praise Him and know Him in ways I didn't know were possible.  To choose joy in the midst of pain because HE is my reward ...my offering.

"My life is my offering to you, Lord.  I willingly invite struggle; I invite cost; I invite less of me; I invite more of You!  I will take the gifts most do not desire, Lord, so that I might have the opportunity to pour myself out as an offering to Your glory!!!!  I ask for more of Your good gifts, that I might return them as an offering to YOU!"

Romans 12:1 ~ "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God..."

This is my offering....

So long Self...

Frankly... I'm tired of you!  There's just not room for two of us here, so you're gonna have to move!  You are a terrible influence on me anyway, and it's time you go!  You bring very temporary pleasures that do nothing for me beyond the here and now...  I'm tired of feeding you, defending you, and protecting your comforts at all costs.  I'm tired of your hang-ups and fears.  You're holding me back from doing what I really want to do with my life.  You consume my time, my energy, and my resources.  Worst of all, I've missed out on untold blessings and immeasurable joy on account of you!   I've finally realized that life isn't about you anymore!  I should have broken things off long before now, but it took this long to see that there's Someone far better for me out there!  I just finally figured out that there's simply not room for Jesus and "self" in the same heart!   So long Self! 

I've been called a lot of things since bringing home a critically ill child from China ~ Crazy - Brave - Amazing - A Saint - A Hero.  I'd like to take each and every well-meant compliment and store them up for a rainy day when I'm feeling far from brave, amazing, saintly, or heroic!  I like drinking in nice compliments like that, but I am far too aware of who I am deep inside the recesses of my heart to think that, apart from the grace of God, and the Spirit of Christ IN me, anything worthwhile could possibly come from ME!  There is a raging battle in my heart on a daily basis between the me who longs for comfort, ease, and fame and the me who longs to bring glory to the God who is most deserving of it!

I've gotten my feet wet on death to self in months and years past... but a new awakening has rocked me to the core and made me take a deeper look inside...  It would be easy for me to pat myself on the back and celebrate the victories against "self" I've managed to pull off in the past few years.  Maybe it's someone else's turn to fight!  Haven't I done my share already?  I have a few feathers in my hat and feel pretty content with that.  Besides... the American dream is calling my name again.  You know-  "self" sufficiency,  work hard and profit "self",  put in your time so that you can retire to comfort and ease on a tropical island alone with your hubby.  But the American dream I was raised on has little to do with the life Jesus calls me to!  In fact, the worldly "freedoms" this country offers me to pursue life and happiness in my own strength, does more to lead to bondage than any earthly leader could impose upon its' prisoners.  A life of freedom to pursue "self", is a life of misery indeed!  I don't think that patriotism to the country I love is in any way wrong, but it has suddenly occurred to me that the religious freedoms our forefathers fought for have little to do with my walk with Christ or the life He has called me to live in dying to self!

Don't get me wrong...I don't want to deny self for the sake of misery!  Who would?  But I know that pure JOY awaits the soul that denies it's flesh of temporary pleasures, so that it might enjoy eternal ones forevermore.  And suddenly the meaning behind the words of Jesus make perfect sense...  "Whoever loses his life for my sake, shall find it!"  I've found life- "real" life- in the most unexpected places and discovered that the very things I've fought against are the things that bring the greatest possible joy!

For many years I've read about heroes from the past that I longed to immulate.  People like Hudson Taylor,  George Mueller, Amy Carmichael, and Jim Elliot.  They had obviously learned the absolute JOY of death to "self" and they brought immeasurable glory to the name of Christ.  But they seem far away and long removed from the world I live in today.  I'm a stay at home mom- a homemaker- the wife of a minister...  How am I to do great things for the Kingdom of God?  Those things were reserved for a select few....

But lately I've met some modern day heroes, and I've begun to wonder what makes them so different from me?  John Monger- a Bhutanese believer- exiled and tortured for his faith.  Now a precious friend.  Does he possess something I don't that enables him to glorify Jesus through a simple life much like my own?  Then there are the heroes in the adoption community that I have begun to meet via blogs, Facebook, phone calls, and surprise meetings.  I always thought that these godly women must possess some spiritual quality that obviously alludes me.  Something special that enables them to do the beautiful, redemptive things they have done to glorify the Lord.

And yet God quietly reminds me that they do not possess anything that I do not possess in Jesus.  Death to "self" doesn't somehow come easier to a chosen few.  They must fight the same battle of flesh and desire for comfort that I do!!!  Death to self is no easier for them then it is for me or for you!!!  I didn't ask them, but I'm betting if I did, they'd tell me-  They get weary.... they feel spent...  done... overwhelmed... selfish... they long for comfort and ease just like I do!  There is no exception to the rule within the human race.  The Bible says it in so many ways I couldn't possibly list them all here...  Yes, even the likes of Moses, Elijah, Peter, John, and Paul admitted to the same weakness of flesh that plagues me...  I marvel when I see the things God did through these mighty men.  They way God called Moses His friend.  And the way He worked so miraculously in response to the prayers of Elijah.  And how He literally changed the world through common, ordinary men like the disciples and a once persecutor of Christians.  I start to feel small and insignificant.  I forget that the God of those men is the same God I serve today.  I guess that's why I simply love the verse of scripture in James 5 that encourages us to pray by saying....  "Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years."     James, the brother of Jesus, felt that his listeners needed to be reminded that the God of the universe had not changed, nor had man's ability to connect with Him if they earnestly sought Him.  If they needed that reminder just years after walking with Christ in the flesh, how much more do I need it today?

I guess that means that the teachings of Christ for the lives of His followers are still relevant today too!  But in my selfish state and American mindset, I think I've begun to relegate His commands to a select few!  Jesus called us to a life of suffering and hardship... to a life led by HIM, not mySELF!  I've been spending a lot of time rethinking my secret hopes that things like suffering and hardship were for someone else.... anyone else, as long as it didn't include ME!

Most of us have suffering and hardship forced upon us at different times in our lives.  Maybe it's an unexpected diagnosis or a child born less than "perfect", a family member in dire straights, or a natural disaster has stolen all our possessions without warning.  We can choose the way we respond to those circumstances...  Will we choose joy or will we do the opposite and live life in misery?  I want to respond with JOY.  I think that when I do, it reveals the depths of my heart and where I place my hope.  Sadly, though, my natural inclination is to hunker down and wait for brighter days (with some whining and complaining, of course) that might usher in seasons of happiness.

But Jesus took it a step further when He told His disciples that if they wanted to follow Him, they had to "take up their cross daily" and follow Him.  Could he possibly mean that we are to CHOOSE to carry pain... choose to suffer to follow Him?  To "take up my cross" would mean absolute death to myself!  And worst of all, He didn't limit this command to a select few occasions in my life from which I could return to self gratification and comfortable living, but to a DAILY dying!  Before you beat yourself up like I have myself, remember this...To be a disciple is to be a "learner".   Learners are not professionals yet.  But they are on their way to their goal of being like their leader....  Jesus took up His cross willingly; by choice!  At any moment, He could have thrown it down and decided the pain wasn't worth it.  But He willingly endured it for our sake.

How often do I willingly choose a road of suffering for the sake of another?  For that matter,  how often do I willingly choose the difficult over the easy so that someone might find life or have life more abundantly?  God has been invading the recesses of my heart lately and pointing out areas that need attention.  I've discovered some difficult truths about myself that are quite unflattering.    I like comfort!  And while I've proven a few times in my life that I am willing to lay down that comfort to follow Jesus, I find myself constantly looking for a way back to it again.  "How much time will this take?", "What will this cost me?",  "What will this cost my kids?" (cause you know-  their comfort and happiness is pretty important to me too!)  "How will this benefit me?",  "How many more years will this cost until I can return to my comfort, my pleasure, my time....."  Call it ugly, because it is!  But even with the greatest accomplishments for the Lord in days past, I asked each and every ugly question listed here, each and every time!  

I may be a slow learner, but I'm finding that life seems really short!  Too short to waste away on ME!  Why should I wait until a "terminal" sticker is placed on my medical record to start really living for Christ?  I was "terminal" at the moment of my birth and so were you!  I personally believe that Jesus is coming back soon, and the thought of that gives me a sense of urgency that I wish I had every single day.  Whether or not He returns in my lifetime, though, THIS is the only time I have to redeem for Him!  Each day a precious gift to be given back for His glory.  I have a choice to make.  Will I continue to live for "self", or will I say "so long" to self and discover what it means to live for something so much bigger?  I'm ready to take hold of the grace that will enable me to do everything as onto Christ and start living like the Godly hero I so long to be!  What will that look like for me?  What would it look like for you?  I honestly don't know...  But Jesus calls me to take up my cross and follow Him.  Only He knows where we're headed!  My job is to humbly follow and imitate Him as I go.

There's a saying that I've loved since it first grabbed my attention a few years ago... "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming --Wow!  What a ride!!"

I agree with the sentiment, but it needs some spiritual tweaking.  Here's my new spin on it...  "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out for the cause of Christ, poured out, completely emptied of "self" for His glory, and declaring -- It was all for you, Jesus!"  Now... THAT'S more like it!!!!

That's your cue, Self!  Time to get packin'!  So long Self....

         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just HAVE to share something with you here, as I watch the shadow of myself fade into the distance...  I am so excited about the ways God can use a person who is walking away from a life of self-love to pursue His love...  Just look what He can do!!!