If I had only two words left to pass through my lips before meeting Jesus face to face, I'd like them to be these... "Yes, Lord" No questions; no protests; no promise of reward; no weighing of the pros and cons; no stalling to find an escape route... Whatever it is you ask of me Lord... YES!
I remember many years ago, listening to the testimony of a young missionary preparing to leave everything familiar behind and follow the Lord's Call to an unreached people group on the other side of the globe. He had just graduated from college, had a young bride, and a promising life ahead. What would compel him to move to a distant land, far from family and home, and live amoung a people that knew nothing of him or the Jesus he loved? His explanation was simple... and one I'll never forget... God's Call was clear... and saying "no" to his Lord was not an option! Upon following Christ as a young boy, his decision was final... The only acceptable answer to God's command was "Yes, Lord!" I saw in him an unwavering trust in God and a deep commitment to follow Christ, no matter what that meant. I, too, wanted nothing less than this for my own life! I left there that night with a renewed resolve to be a living example of such a testimony!
In writing tonight, I realize that most of the stories contained on the pages of this blog are the direct result of a "Yes, Lord" in my own life. If I'm brutally honest, I have to admit that had I been "in charge", there would be no reason to even blog tonight! After all, returning to full-time Mommy, car-seats and highchairs, wasn't really MY idea after waiting so long... And bringing home a 7 year old dying from a congenital heart defect would certainly not have been a part of MY plan! But in looking back, I can hardly bear to think what I'd have missed, had my answer been "no". The only appropriate response to such unexpected, undeserved blessings in my life is praise to Him! This was all His doing! He gets all the glory!
Sadly, though, I'm certain that there are some stories penned here, and many I purposely left out, that are a direct result of my own leading... my own desires... my own bright ideas and ingenuity. Those would have probably been better left untold. It saddens me to think of the number of times in my life that I have attempted to "lead" myself, completely oblivious to His "Lordship" over me.
That plate with two simple words has really made me think these days... Those two words standing side-by-side are suddenly, so obviously, redundant... And now, the words of that young man leaving for the mission field appear more simple than profound. If Jesus is Lord, the answer is YES... If the answer is NO, He's not Lord at all! If this is true (and I'm certain it is!), then I have some soul searching to do! I'm embarrassed to even admit to myself, much less to you, how often I am personally acting as the lord (lower case l intended!) of my own life. If I started listing some daily examples, this blog could go on for pages... Just the other day I had one of those "days"! Not my best, and one I'd like to forget. But for the sake of humility and accountability I guess I should share it here...
Kate hasn't been sleeping! She's suddenly very frightened by the idea of sleeping alone. She's having nightmares, laying awake half the night, and dreading each coming sunset for the fear it brings. She spilled the beans to the babysitter... "I'm tired of Rachel getting all the attention around here!" Oh no... troubles brewing! All this changing and "rearranging" makes Kate cranky! This makes Mommy cranky! Ellie needs some individualized attention now too! She getting lost in the chaos... Decisions need to be made for Rachel.... another hospitalization; another open-heart surgery... oh wait... maybe a full-blown heart transplant will be necessary instead! Time to go help her with her daily math and reading homework! She's got a lot of catching up to do! "Where is DADDY??" "Supper? Who needs supper? Can't we just skip it tonight??" "Stop fighting!!!"
By the time I got them all settled and tucked in on the night I am retelling here,... I. was. done. Maybe I should type that again... DONE! As I left their bedrooms I engaged in a full blown conversation with myself! "What was God thinking? He must have confused me with someone else, because this is TOO MUCH for me! Make no mistake "self"!... Remember those thoughts of adopting one more? No way! You are DONE!" Decision made! Case closed! Goodnight terrible, no-good day!!!
I climbed in my bed and saw across the room my favorite little plate, on a shelf, staring back at me..."Yes, Lord" I was finally quiet enough to hear God whispering to my heart... gently reminding me that HE is Lord! As scary as that may seem on nights like these, I know that I can trust Him! What a relief to know that the course of my life rests securely in His trustworthy, faithful, most capable hands! The decision as to whether there is another child for our family or not is His alone... Are we to stay? Are we to go? When? How? ALL... His decision alone! His leadership is safe! His all sufficient grace is available for every need! I have but one answer... "Yes, Lord!"